Motivation, strength, courage, goals, clean these are all words. words are just nothing without actions put behind them.
How can you claim motivation without getting out of bed until 2pm when you force yourself to go to work? How can you claim strength without being able to go through the day being productive. How can you claim courage without going through with your values everyday? How can you claim you have goals when the weight on the scale hasn’t moved anything but up? And how can you claim to be clean when you just see dirt all around you?
This is what I know. I claim to be all these things when I go to work but I know the truth. Just trying to get through the day with a smile on my face pushing the pain in my chest away. I look around and try to use these words use them and follow through with actions but sometimes I just can’t.
Every pound I gain I push all these words further away. 50 pounds of extra everything, problems, pressure, fat. Though everyone goes through these feelings I can feel my compassion for others moving away.
My husband and I put up our tree last night. It was beautiful. Then he got tired and I wasn’t ready to end our Christmas music, decorating, dancing session so I snapped. Making him feel guilty for wanting a good night sleep for his next day of working 12 hours. Because of his nature he continued to play with me and all I could say was ” Thank you, sometimes I forget to tell you that” again… Just words. If I had meant them we would have been in bed 1 hour earlier snuggled and happy.
When I am at work I am therapeutic, kind and understanding. Working at a psychiatric hospital I love my profession. I get to help people in ways I can’t help myself. I feel fulfilled, being with them are moments I can help and be productive. Then I step off the floor and surround myself with staff, I’m invisible, I’m annoying, I talk to much and most of all awkward. I know this and again I continue to be all these things.
I am going for the next 2 days be more than just words. For 2 days I will be out of bed by 11am and clean until going to work. That is setting a short term goal. As of right now I have 25 minutes of bed time.
Tash out 😘