Note: This is my first time publishing the contents in my diary but since I am doing so as an anonymous, I don’t really mind. A bit of a background, my boyfriend and I have been dating for several years now and it’s just recently that we decide to step up our relationship to something that we both wanted for a long time but was too afraid to initiate. Therefore, I will skip the boring courtship and dating, etc. Also, names will be changed to keep everyone’s identities anonymous.
Two months ago he introduced me to a lovely lady, Delilah, what a beautiful name. Saying her name for the first time was so foreign to my tongue it somehow made the back of my hair stood up and sent shiver down my spine. She must have sensed that I was nervous because sweet small laughter escaped her beautiful lips. I was immediately drawn to her. My boyfriend knew exactly what type of people I am drawn to, even before I figure it out myself. Although I have never had any experience with a woman before nor do I actually considered myself to be attracted to women, I find her incredibly irresistible. Sometimes I dislike him for that, he know me better than I know myself and the type of women he talks to or hangs around him, they are all very good looking. We are way over and beyond the jealousy phase in our relationship.
Compared to his ex-girlfriends, I’m not even close to a quarter of their attractiveness. He insisted that he is drawn to me because I am smart, preservative and hard working but really…all I do is lift, play video games, cook, study for my PhD while working full time and play rugby. Delilah’s appearance is completely opposite of me, tall (6’0 on flats and I’m so, so close to 5’8), beautiful, her ginger hair is a perfect mix with her bright piercing blue eyes. Even with her long coat on, I could tell she works out. She is physically more superior than me.
Our first time meeting wasn’t as painfully awkward as how I met my boyfriend for the first time, Jason I am so sorry! Possibly because Jason was there with us, making sure the conversation went smoothly and if I fall quiet he would direct the conversation to him. Build up the pace slowly until I am ready to join in the conversation again. He know I am slowly over coming my social anxiety and I suspect that he informed her prior to our gathering. Later that evening Jason asked me what do I think about her. What do I think? What do I REALLY think about her? I thought Delilah was the most beautiful woman I have ever met, well mannered, cool and collected but also intimidating.
For the first time in my life I am starting to question my sexuality, ‘honestly, I’m confused’ I told him. He did not respond, instead, he gave me a warm, gentle hug. I feel safe every time he wrap his arms around me, I felt so safe against his large figure, my face against his muscle chest. I could hear his sincere heart beats. So soothing, calm and relax. I really, truly love this man and I am so grateful for his love and to have him in my life. What did I do to deserve such a gentle giant? He asked if I would like him to organise lunch for the three of us.
At that moment I was torn between yes and no. Yes for being curious about her and how much I want push my own boundaries. No for being in denial, what if I’m not straight? What if all these years living in a straight life style was just a way to cover up who I truly am? What if my ‘straight’ comfort bubble burst, will I be able to handle it? Jason is very open minded and so am I but our parents are not and that is what worries me. Jason’s parents are both Chinese and very traditional. As for myself, growing up as an Eurasian, I have tasted the narrow minded and old fashion mentality from both sides. It’s so exhausting trying to defend my gay friends when people make nasty comments, they will never understand.
After what seems like forever, his warm hand brushed against my cheek and that snapped me out of my train of thoughts. I didn’t know why or I did know why but I summoned all my courage and gave him a straight (no pun intended) answer ‘Yes. I’d love that.’.