Who am I?

What am I?

What can I do today?

What can I say today?

These are questions I ask myself every day? But today it’s more questions like;

How can I kill myself, while feeling so much pain so that when I am dead it was all real? 

Morphine Overdose? Surely I would not feel pain at the end with a morphine overdose? Maybe booze? Na if i did that I would have no control my mental health would take over completely. 

The last time I was drunk, I ended up whacking my head on a wall saying my mother was coming and she was going to wreck my left completely. 

My BF said yesterday he was going to clean today, did he? Nope he put the Christmas tree up to try to make me feel better even though Christmas is the worse time of year for me that’s why they stick me on Diazepam. 

The garden is still a shit hole and people at walking dog shit in, the floor downstairs not hoovered or moped. And he wonders why I don’t come home a smile. I am at work all day Monday – Saturday, Sunday being the only day of rest but yet I do something for the family normally. 

Why say you are gonna clean when you know you won’t? It is why I am never disappointed coming home because I know what to expect. 

Instead, it takes all day to put a tree up, go get two games that I don’t like. 

I go to work, get a braking module sorted, an alloy wheel, and his Xmas and birthday presents and i come home to a shit hole still, a xmas tree reminding me of all the bad times, 2 games I don’t like, his hot a sweaty, and he looks like his clucking for drugs. But also looks guilty.  Going out without letting me know even though he said he had to wait for deliveries??? Leaving the cat in when I asked for him not to be.

I am sick of it.

4 thoughts on “??????????”

  1. Well you are more bummed out than I am. That’s a surprise. I hope things turn around and you have a good Christmas. After all. Got lights on your tree? You’re good to go.

  2. There is such a sadness in everything you have written. I’m new on here and all I can say is I was moved by everything you have written. I want to give you some advice if you’ll let me.

    1. What happens in our lives good or bad is an active choice we make, meaning if your BF is a shit as you are making him out to be then get a new one.
    2. You complain that you hate your life and that you feelings are dark… with that said they are your feelings change them. You don’t have to live they way you are but it sounds like for a long time now you decided to be stuck on a loop. Every other entry you’ve made is about the house being a mess and not having your boyfriend help.
    3. When you speak negatively you just create more of it into your own life. Speak of the good things in your life. Don’t have good things in your life go out there and get them.
    4. Forgive the past and right your wrongs. It’s the best way to start creating a better life by being a better person.
    5. Stop blaming everyone else for your life. Take the responsibility of the life you are living.
    6. Find faith. In anything you don’t have to have a religious belief but find your spirituality.
    7. Fear is the opportunity to be courageous and it sounds like you have a lot of fear and you allow it to take you over. Use that fear and overcome that darkness.
    8. Love people the way you want to be loved but don’t EXPECT anything when we set up expectations they are doomed to fail.

  3. Lot’s there Rayray14 but it’s not like I ain’t tried. It sometimes can be easy for people on the outside to think of an easy, quick fix but when you live it, it’s well difficult. There are things from childhood that affect me, haunt me, that I have really never had any closure or help with.

    I have been through years of DBT and CBT, that made me worse but never spoken to anyone about my past.

    Hope you appreciate what I am trying to say. I am not one of these depressive people that do nothing in their life, I run a business and have a busy life with very little me time or rest. I try to be a productive member of society, but it doesn’t stop all the negatives happening in my life to want my life to extinguish. To relieve the people around me of the nuisance I am.

  4. I hear what you are saying… but you are still blaming the past for the actions of the future that will never close the cycle or bring you closure. Forgiveness is the only thing that truly brings closure. If not you are just allowing those haunting things to still have an effect on you because you are keeping them alive.

    Remember one thing and it was told to me when I tried ending my own life at 7 years of age… suicide doesn’t end your pain, it just passes it along to someone else.

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