Who am I?
What am I?
What can I do today?
What can I say today?
These are questions I ask myself every day? But today it’s more questions like;
How can I kill myself, while feeling so much pain so that when I am dead it was all real?
Morphine Overdose? Surely I would not feel pain at the end with a morphine overdose? Maybe booze? Na if i did that I would have no control my mental health would take over completely.
The last time I was drunk, I ended up whacking my head on a wall saying my mother was coming and she was going to wreck my left completely.
My BF said yesterday he was going to clean today, did he? Nope he put the Christmas tree up to try to make me feel better even though Christmas is the worse time of year for me that’s why they stick me on Diazepam.
The garden is still a shit hole and people at walking dog shit in, the floor downstairs not hoovered or moped. And he wonders why I don’t come home a smile. I am at work all day Monday – Saturday, Sunday being the only day of rest but yet I do something for the family normally.
Why say you are gonna clean when you know you won’t? It is why I am never disappointed coming home because I know what to expect.
Instead, it takes all day to put a tree up, go get two games that I don’t like.
I go to work, get a braking module sorted, an alloy wheel, and his Xmas and birthday presents and i come home to a shit hole still, a xmas tree reminding me of all the bad times, 2 games I don’t like, his hot a sweaty, and he looks like his clucking for drugs. But also looks guilty. Going out without letting me know even though he said he had to wait for deliveries??? Leaving the cat in when I asked for him not to be.
I am sick of it.