Feeling really sad today. I am missing my husband so much. I was hoping the plans for the job interviews and the move would keep my mind busy enough to not get sad. He came over here today to help me hang a handrail on my stairs. Of course, he brought Noah, the buffer. He is afraid to be alone with me. I don’t know if he thinks I’m going to attack him or what. I think I just broke him too badly for him to ever deal with me again. He’s afraid to open that door. That is the only answer that makes sense. I have to try to put this all behind me. I may have a chance at happiness in New York. I cannot be happy here. Too many memories. I need to start somewhere new where every place I go doesn’t trigger a memory of him or my children growing up. Living here is agonizing. I am a least going to give this idea about living somewhere new a try before I give up altogether. I am at the end of the road. I don’t feel like I have any other option but to leave.
2016 has been the worst year of my life. I have thought more about killing myself than I ever have.