Safe

Over 6 million minutes ago I had the worst year of my life. It began with a 2 minute phone call that ended a 22 year marriage and relationship that started at age 15. Certainly he couldn’t be expected to do it in person or give me more than 1 minute and 49 seconds. He was too busy enjoying Vegas. I cried every single day for a year. Get up, make kids chocolate chip pancakes, take them to school, close the door tightly behind me and cry until it was time for them to come home. Depressed. Thoughts of running my car into a tree. I had to find the warrior inside and fight for life. One day while curled in a ball on the floor at the foot of my bed, crying through another day from the depths of my soul, I made a decision. From that day forward I would never let a man in so far that I depended on him. I’d never let a man take me down like that again. I would never believe in feeling safe.

Many years of healing later, 2 years of self imposed solitude later, I came to a place in life that I felt like, I’m really ready. I’m my becoming my best self. I’m ready to look for the man to share my life with forever. I’ve learned to listen carefully to my feelings and reflect on what they mean, but sometimes it still takes me time to recognize it. Lately my overwhelming feelings are so calm. I feel safe. I’ve even said it out loud, I feel safe. What was yesterday’s song in my head? Belief. My guardians are saying, listen to what you just said.. you feel safe. What word spends the day in your mind? Belief. They’re giving me these thoughts on purpose. It’s the last brick in the wall that I never stepped around before. It’s safe. Believe. I’m not much of a diver.. but wading in slowly sure is feeling good..

 

2 thoughts on “Safe”

  1. Oh my gosh that is a lot to go through. How did you survive an entire year without working though? 22 years is a long time. Well, when you’re married that long both of your lives intertwine and you both depend on each other at that point. To have it all end, that’s terrifying to experience, I can’t relate with any kind of pain.

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