Day 5- Alone in a crowd

December 16, 2016

Ever since I was young I have been different. Had a few friends but if you have read previous entries you know they have all left at some point. I have always been kind, polite and try to be funny. This has never seemed to be anything anyone ever wanted. I know I am socially awkward since I never say anything at the right time. I also sound like some 12 year old girl who listens to greenday in her gothic styled bed room. 

But this cycle of having no friends can get so lonely. I have my husband but there are some things I don’t wish to share with him. I tried making friends at work and there are a few people who I smile to from time to time. There’s no one there who I relate to, I speak to one woman but lately I can feel that even distancing. It’s sad really. I mean we work together have such a common role in our life yet I might as well be someone who they seem to just tolerate. I have learned to not speak unless spoken to unless it’s hi or a question. Don’t get me wrong there polite and help on a professional level but that’s it … No how was your weekend? 

I can’t make relationships unless I can be of use, I have to earn friendship. I always believed showing loyalty, respect and gratitude were a few things to earn friendship but it just doesn’t seem to be enough. Atleast this is how I feel.

I have been hurt in the past, as I write I feel that maybe it’s my fault. I may not put enough effort as I get older and get busier. I don’t make the time for friendships. My loss of compassion makes me distant all together.. My giving up on common conversation. Since writing here I have felt to not share with people outside this journal because I know no one gives a shit.

I am alone in crowd of people. Getting by on smiles. 

Tasha out😘

2 thoughts on “Day 5- Alone in a crowd”

  1. You are right about loyalty respect and gratitude bringing in friendship. Those are wonderful qualities. Work on your compassion.. If you really care about people they will be drawn to you. Don’t try for funny unless you naturally ARE funny without trying. Like a born comedian. Go with encouraging your own heart to love and care. I care. Others will too! God bless you!

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