December 16, 2016
Ever since I was young I have been different. Had a few friends but if you have read previous entries you know they have all left at some point. I have always been kind, polite and try to be funny. This has never seemed to be anything anyone ever wanted. I know I am socially awkward since I never say anything at the right time. I also sound like some 12 year old girl who listens to greenday in her gothic styled bed room.
But this cycle of having no friends can get so lonely. I have my husband but there are some things I don’t wish to share with him. I tried making friends at work and there are a few people who I smile to from time to time. There’s no one there who I relate to, I speak to one woman but lately I can feel that even distancing. It’s sad really. I mean we work together have such a common role in our life yet I might as well be someone who they seem to just tolerate. I have learned to not speak unless spoken to unless it’s hi or a question. Don’t get me wrong there polite and help on a professional level but that’s it … No how was your weekend?
I can’t make relationships unless I can be of use, I have to earn friendship. I always believed showing loyalty, respect and gratitude were a few things to earn friendship but it just doesn’t seem to be enough. Atleast this is how I feel.
I have been hurt in the past, as I write I feel that maybe it’s my fault. I may not put enough effort as I get older and get busier. I don’t make the time for friendships. My loss of compassion makes me distant all together.. My giving up on common conversation. Since writing here I have felt to not share with people outside this journal because I know no one gives a shit.
I am alone in crowd of people. Getting by on smiles.