I have had to sit and have a talk with my husband. I told him that I could accept that the journal wasn’t right for him, but that he still needs to talk to me. He talked about how difficult it is for him to open up, and he didn’t know how to do it. But in the beginning of our relationship, he did it all the time. He would send me emails were so sweet. I would print them out and paste them into my journal. So when he said that, I walked over to the shelf, grabbed a journal, and showed him one. He read it, but didn’t say anything. I went to bed.
The next day, I found this email in my inbox:
“Hi Thorn. I want to be able to open up for you and thinking back the easiest I was able to do it for you was through email. Seeing that email from me you printed out reminded me of how much I used to want to share my feelings with you and how easy it was.
Seeing you so hurt that I didn’t write in the diary really got down deep to my core. I know how incredibly important it was to you because it was very important to me too. I know you probably don’t believe that but it really really was. I’m sorry that I wasted that opportunity. That diary more is a perfect example to me of what’s wrong with me. I need to push past my bullshit excuses and unwillingness to open up and actually be a present partner for you.
More than anything I want to be here for you and I want things to feel like they did between us all of those years ago.I know it’s not as romantic by email but I feel more open with my heart when I can sit back and think about what I’m thinking and feeling like this
You’re the love of my life and you deserve the best.
I hope you’re having a good day.
Reading this at work, it was so hard not to tear up. I want him to feel like he can open up to me again. I don’t even care if he only does it by email. I need to feel connected to him so badly and this is the only way it’s going to happen. So it seems, anyway.
It’s okay that the journal is gone. We’ll find something else that works.