From friend to lover – Entry 4


It has been exactly one week since I have last spoken to her. Her invitation was tempting but I knew better to make decision without thinking logically, thus I have been avoiding her since. I arrived home exhausted that night. My rugby family are a bunch of amazing people but they can be such a handful sometimes. I showered and went straight to bed, unfortunately I had woken up my beloved sleeping giant. He stared at me for a few seconds as if he was wondering whether he was dreaming or I was really home. I was too mentally and physically exhausted so I gave him a kiss and retired for the night.

Hoping for my boyfriend to forget about it the next day was possibly a dumb thing to hoped for, lady luck was not on my side. He asked if I did not like my ginger crush or if she had said something offended me, etc. I ensured him it was nothing like that but thinking logically. I did not want to put myself out there based on lust and want then regret it afterward because it was not what I hoped it would be. I also did not want to give her the impression of using her as an experiment or a tool for quick release. No one deserved that. 

Jason stated that I am too much of a realist because I always put logic first even when we started dating years ago. He also says ‘Sometimes in life, you need your feeling to guide you to what you desire. It’s not bad to think logically but the way your brain work is too complexed. If I presented you a topic, you’d have four divided opinions – all relevant and well calculated opinions and that was what you were doing. Why you pushed her away.’ 

To be completely honest, I had never thought of it that way but he was right. He was SO right. The only time I actually went with the ‘flow’ or with my feelings was when I was with him. Was I subconsciously afraid of something that has to do with Delilah which is why I could not open up to her? Don’t get me wrong, she is a really nice person. I was surprised when I learnt that she has a heart of gold. All the beautiful (read: super model looking) people I have crossed path with are all snobs, narcissists, egoistic with personality disorder. 

Delilah messaged me everyday even though I have been avoiding her. They were small messages, nothing serious or mean. ‘Good morning, my new favourite person.’, ‘How are you today?’, ‘Have you eaten yet? I want to try your home cook food!’ or ‘Good night. Sweet dream.’ I felt guilty having to ignored her, I couldn’t help but to thought to myself ‘This woman is too nice, I don’t deserved her.’ However I still didn’t have the courage to reply to any or her messages. Until she sent me another message this evening, an apology for her bold suggestion and that she should have considered of how I feel rather than just blindly followed what her heart and body tells her. She promised to not do that ever again and insisted that she would very much love to remained in contact with me, even as a friend. 

It’s been three hours since I have received that message. I should probably reply before she began to think that I was mad at her. 

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