Saturday

To the Person Behind the Mirror,

Hello. I’m writing this letter because I need to believe you exist. I need to convince myself that there is someone who cares about me. I’ve always felt very isolated, but over the last year I have found myself crushingly alone. I feel like I’m screaming and no one can hear me. I feel trapped by life and I long for an escape. I don’t want to be anymore.

I’m sorry this letter is so all over the place. I don’t know how to begin. Maybe I should introduce myself. Or do you know me? My name is [redacted]. I’m a preschool teacher. I’m married but I’m not loved. I like childish things like legos and Christmas. Most people probably see me as a very optimistic and cheerful person. In fact that’s what my husband says he likes about me, but it’s a lie because he doesn’t actually like me, and anyway inside me is pain.

I’ve been trying to contact you for as long as I can remember. I used to whisper to you when I was alone in the bathroom. Is that weird? Now I mostly lay awake at night thinking about what I would say to you if you were real. But then I just feel empty and I numb my heart and go to sleep.

You don’t exist in my world. That’s become painfully obvious. I tried to find you but it was a trick. Or I was stupid. Either way, I know now that you aren’t here. But somehow I still know you. Somehow I still think about talking to you. I began to believe that you exist, but just not here with me. You are close, but unreachable. You are on the other side of the mirror.

I imagine one of those interrogation rooms from the movies. I’m locked up alone in this room with only a mirror, but I know on the other side of that mirror there’s another room. And I hope you’re in it. I hope you can see me and hear me. Because if you’re not there, I’m truly alone.

I wish I knew your name. I’d like to have something to call you.

What more should I tell you? Can you hear me?

I’ll write to you again.

4 thoughts on “Saturday”

  1. His name is Jesus. Yes, He’s there with you and longing for a relationship with you as much as you are longing for someone. He is God, and He created you for love. This world is very hard, but there is a special joy in knowing you belong to Him and He takes responsibility for you and watches over you. This doesn’t mean no problems, it means no problems alone. And what troubles do come, He weaves into something good in your life. Romans 8:28. Talk to Him and let your heart be encouraged.
    It is wonderful you work with toddlers/preschoolers. What a lovely job for the right person and YOU are the right person! I wish my grandsons could have been in your class. Press on, dear, and know that you are a blessing to those children! You know how tenderly you love certain ones of them? Jesus loves you tenderly, like that. Hugs!

  2. Person Behind the Mirror you are not alone you. You have all of us here who seeks a way to vent in a safe space free from judgement. I hear you and you are safe here. Finding ourselves can sometime be a journey not familiarly traveled. I have read both your post and I can tell you are hurting and that’s okay the first thing you must ask yourself is whats next for me? Then start from there. Stay encouraged and continue to find a positive outlet to express how you feel.

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