Journal Day 57 – A bit of my past and where I am now

Compared to the people living in Syria, especially Aleppo, I don’t really have any problems in my own life. It is so peaceful here. I live in a comfortable home, there’s food in the fridge, there’s money in the bank, there’s all this peace and quiet and serenity. Those people over in Syria right now are pretty much struggling just to survive. People are losing family members, they are losing their homes, and they are losing all their possessions and everything that they value. It is a harsh reality that they live in, and I should be grateful that I’m not in that situation, at least as of right now. Who knows what the future will hold?

To give a brief summary of the struggles I’ve gone through so far; I was born dirt poor in a third world country, my family worked hard for years and became above average wealthy in that country, my dad was able to get a work visa in the United States, eventually he got enough money to bring my mom and I there. I grew up poor in the United States, we lived in these poor little apartments on the ‘ghetto’ side of the city. I studied hard through school while my parents worked their slightly-above minimum wage jobs. Now I live in an expensive home, I have a middle class job, and life looks a lot better. It takes years of effort but you eventually make progress.

People living in a first world country have no idea how hard it is to live dirt poor in a third world country, they have no idea how much effort it took to escape that poverty. Both of my parents worked through medical school and became doctors. They made a lot of money in their country after having lived incredibly dirt poor when they were younger. Eventually my dad was able to get a work visa to work here, in which he worked for nearly minimum pay. He never said it, but I’m assuming the minimum pay here is a lot better than being paid a lot in the country where I came from.

I would say being poor in the United States gives you a lot more opportunity than being upper middle class in the country where I came from. It is pretty much insane how I am in this room, my room, right now, considering how luxurious and fancy it is. I would never have dreamed of sleeping in such a room having memories of sleeping in a no AC, windows open, empty white room under mosquito nets with my mom every night.

Anyway, I’m grateful for how far I’ve come. I have a long way to go.

Still, I have my own very minor problems that I deal with and contend to on a daily basis. They’re minor problems compared to people in Syria, compared to the problems I lived with in the past, but to me they’re still problems that I desperately want to solve. I feel like some problems take every ounce of energy I have. I feel like I’m working my way up from the bottom and it’s taking a really long time.

In terms of difficulty, the problems I have left to solve are easy. The only issue is that they take time. I’m more conscious now of every second than I was back then, so every day feels like an eternity. Sometimes I want the problems to be solved right away so I can just forget about them, but that completely leaves out the journey. People who eventually reach the end say the journey was much more rewarding than the actual reward itself.

We each have our own advantages and disadvantages. I don’t have any particular advantages that I can think of that other people don’t already have. Yet I was somehow able to accomplish and get through more than what most people ever dream of doing. It is strange, but I am a high passion, high drive individual even though I tend not to show it externally. Internally I’m conscious of every second and millions of thoughts flow through my head at any given point in time.

On the project I worked on yesterday, I noted that I was somewhat disappointed in it, and I thought the website I made didn’t look so great. I got the results back today after submitting it yesterday afternoon, and I got perfect scores on everything. 100/100, green checkmarks and compliments across the board. I don’t know, the reviewer said I did an excellent and awesome job on it, but I don’t feel like it was great at all. It looked like a pretty stupid website to me when I submitted it, it still looks like a pretty stupid website to me now, and the code I wrote I felt was terrible and disorganized.

Anyway those are just my thoughts. I have to go to work soon and I am feeling a little sad and down right now. I’m happy for what I’ve gone through and accomplished so far, but I think I will always feel a little sad or even depressed on some days no matter what I accomplish in the future. And I will be free to express it all in this journal.

Almost 3 minutes after being outside in the sun and driving to work, I felt instantly better. Neutral or even above neutral in my emotions, even though I was really depressed when I was writing my entry just a few minutes earlier.

While at work I did my usual work routine, and I was ‘in the zone’, solving problems left and right without any break in thought or any hiccups. It was a strange feeling of flow coming out of nowhere.

I eventually texted Obs at one point and told her that I was feeling extremely bored, because I was. I was able to get work done quickly, because I understood everything that was going on. I didn’t want to use this awesome sense of focus that I rarely get to performing boring and repetitive tasks that I’ve already come to master, things I could do in my head in less than a millisecond if there weren’t any physical limitations such as my hand movement or fingers typing.

Anyway, we texted and she cheered me up during a boring day at work. I’m glad she’s there to rely on whenever I’m feeling a little bit down. Also we established some good times when she would be free to text, so I’ll try to text her often during those hours. She also said she wouldn’t have school on Friday, that leaves a lot of things we could do together on that day then, not sure what yet though.

To Obs: Your suggestion for me to create a program for you as a Christmas present this year is awesome XD. I don’t know what it’ll be yet though, I’ll have to sleep on that question tonight to come up with something. Other than us texting, today was quite the average and boring normal day. I worked a little bit on the book today though, which we both should be doing daily. Hmm, nothing else really other than that, I hope you have a good night sleep, and talk to you again tomorrow!


Selfie for the day

2 thoughts on “Journal Day 57 – A bit of my past and where I am now”

  1. Well that wasn’t a great comment Nightmare87! Anyway, just try and think positively. Anything you want in life is within your grasp. It just takes a lot of time and effort to get it.

  2. I’m glad that you and your family are living more comfortably now c:

    I’ve also read your answer (after you changed it), it’s a good answer ^-^ And I’ll have to think on that question.

    And doing it daily is a bit difficult for me right now, but I wrote something today.

Leave a Comment: