Today’s one of those days that feel like they’re dragging on and on, and wishing for the holiday’s to be over. If it wasn’t for my niece and my fiance, live would be darker. I am in no ways suicidal, I just know live would be hard, and dark.
I called into work today because I had a PTSD episode, that ended with me crying in a department store bathroom for ten minutes then coming home and secluding myself from my fiance and my niece. Who I didn’t feel like upsetting.
Even though today has been a ton better. The weight of yesterday rests on my shoulders. It’s still embarrassing that I, a registered nurse had a PTSD episode, and didn’t want to come into work because yesterday exhausted me mentally.
I hate bringing it up to my fiance who also has PTSD, and happens to be pregnant. I don’t want to stress her out. So my mind’s just an open wound as of right now. Most of today was texting one of my bandmates about the song for my wedding in March, and song writing. Just so I can clear my head, while I can tell that my fiance’s confused, and my niece is even more confused.
While PTSD looms over me, so does the loss of my daughter 5 years ago. While it’s still in question if she was biologically mine or not (long long story), the loss of my daughter still plays with my mind. My fiance (at the time best friends/fwb), lost our daughter Madelena at 22 weeks. The holiday’s and wondering what life would be like with her on Christmas plays like a broken record. Not that I really ever celebrated Christmas, except for the few presents Kirsten (my fiance’s family) gave me and my sister when we were younger, and would invite me do do things with them. Christmas was something that really wasn’t celebrated. And seeing kids at the store, talking about Christmas presents and realizing that Madelena would be around their age, is a lot to handle. I start wondering what toys she’d like or what she’d want for Christmas.
If that can’t make matters worse, I lost my sister on December 14, 2012. Everything about the holiday reminds me that I’ll never get to see her again. And if there is life after death, if she’s actually at peace, and if there’s life after death, if she’s taking care of Madelena. It’s all insane to me.
I know this may not be the best place to talk about my problems at, and that I can get a lot of flack for my posts. Either telling me to ‘grow a pair’ or whatever it may be. But I’m lost with options or places to turn to when stuff like this happens.