The beginning of the end.

I want to die. I can’t imagine making it through this night, waking up tomorrow morning, and carrying on. 

I wish I could do it. They won’t let me this time. But I wish I weren’t here. My life does not feel worth living anymore. How long would it take them to find me if I cut my wrists open in the bathtub? How many pills would it take to not feel this pain anymore? Would Puppy cry for me? She is the only one whose pain I care about, besides my own.

Yesterday Mia called me. She told me everything that he did with her. Every lie that he told her that made her want to be with him. She started crying at the end, saying she looked into his eyes after she confronted him and had never seen someone so cold and cruel. Never seen anybody’s eyes look like that. I wanted to cry, too. That’s not the man that I married. But yes… it is. He is a monster.

I was calm and collected while we talked. I even comforted her a little – me, comforting one of the women my husband slept with! And after hanging up, I – very calmly – told him we would not be speaking anymore. I used to have hope; I thought maybe he was finally telling the truth, now that he’s in therapy and doing group recovery work. But all the little details in his stories and hers were different. In his version, he was a slave to his trauma, going along with the evil seductress who took advantage of his addiction. In hers, he was cool, suave, sweet, manipulative. He made all the moves. I believe HER. He has a literal disease that is defined by lies… why would I believe his story over hers? And you know what? Now it’s too much. I can’t fucking handle it anymore.

I am a complete mess today. I could hardly get out of bed. I ate nearly nothing. I have so much work to do tomorrow and the pressure feels like I’m drowning. I sent him a few furious, heartbroken emails… but I’m done now. I feel like I’m going through withdrawal. He was MY addiction, the man I loved more than anything, my other half. 

Marriage isn’t supposed to go this way. It’s supposed to be forever. That’s why I gave him my heart. I was careful, I picked a man who was sweet, gentle, empathetic, smart, funny, reasonable, compassionate, calm… and I was stupid, because I also picked a liar, cheater, monster. I took the ultimate chance and less than 2 months later he was cheating on me again. He broke me. I want to die.

I hate him now. I feel no love for him, only a burning anger. I am numb to the memories of affection and warmth. The memories of love and fun are just a cold pit in my stomach now. I wish HE was dead, so I didn’t have to know he is still out there, being a monster.

I used to worry if I felt my love and passion was waning. I used to do everything I could to keep the spark alive. I used to get butterflies every time we touched. Now… now I don’t even care. I don’t want to love him anymore. That is how I know our relationship is dead.

3 thoughts on “The beginning of the end.”

  1. I am so sorry you are going through this, dear. What a decimating disappointment for you. Yes, this is a good place to let all your hurt feelings out anonymously. It’s amazing how much people can care for each other without even knowing their real name. I care. God bless you and walk with you through this period of adjustment into a new life.

  2. Don’t give him the satisfaction, girl. Its something wrong with him, not you.
    If he really is a monster, he won’t care you are broken or dead. He’ll be hurt if you get over him and move on with your life though.

    Let yourself grief for all the broken dreams but then get a grip. You are better person and deserve to be happy.

  3. I’m sorry I did not see your journal earlier. The two replies you got were both very good. Your calm and collected approach during the period of discovery was the proper response. Now is the time to go forward and enjoy life. Rub his face in your strength and happiness. That is the best thing you can do. It will take some time but the pain lessens over time and your ability to trust in a new relationship will grow.

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