Maybe I’m the crazy one?

Today was awful. All day at work I could only think of HER. No matter what I did SHE was lurking somewhere in the back of my mind, that constant hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach, slowly eating away at my sanity. You know the feeling.

 

I don’t hear from HER much since we kissed last. Now there’s a story for you. SHE needed a ride home from the airport. So I get a call. Maybe I should change my name to Mr. Reliable…

 

I go and pick HER up. We grab dinner. SHE has two beers. I have the keys. SHE invites me back to HER place.

 

We were in bed watching Christmas movies. For some reason I couldn’t take my eyes off of HER. Who knows what movie was on the tv and at this point who cares?

 

I waited for so long to be where I was at.

 

SHE kissed me. Or was it me who made the first move? It doesn’t matter… “You’re adorable” SHE tells me. “You’re so cute” I hear.

 

I think another movie came on at this point.

 

My mind was a speed train of thought. You know the lines you feed yourself: “Okay play it cool. The two of you kissed before. This isn’t the first time. Just don’t say anything dumb.”

 

Everyone around us has commented about how perfect we are or have interrogated me about how long we’ve been secretly dating. I wish they were right.

 

 

You know, for once… I kept my fat mouth closed… Everything went great.

 

I think I got to 3rd base. I don’t know. I’ve never really liked baseball.

 

That was two days ago.

 

I kinda heard from HER yesterday. SHE was being short. The last thing I want to do is be overbearing, so I tell HER I’m going to sleep.

 

Instead of sleeping I was up fighting with my crazy ex. That’s a story for another day.

 

“I should message HER.” “You idiot. Play hard to get. Make HER come to you!” “But I don’t want to be hard to get” I’m arguing with myself this morning again. “I’ll just message HER something that we talked about earlier…” 

 

I guess 3 hours isn’t that long to wait for a single reply. It’s only six months in dog years. 

 

I’m such a sucker. I want her so bad. Everything about her. HER flaws give me butterflies. HER smile could get me to rob a bank. 

 

I finally understand all of those blink-182 songs.

 

I’m 26 years old. I haven’t had a crush on a girl in a decade. I’m ridiculous.

 

You’ve been in my position before. You can judge me all you want or yell at your screen and tell me how to live my life. I’ve heard it all before. ‘Just move on.’ ‘Find someone else.’ ‘There are plenty of fish in the sea.’

 

But I don’t want to move on. I don’t want anyone else. I don’t care how many fish are in the sea. I want HER. A year and a half isn’t that long to wait for someone, right?

 

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve dated in the mean time. There have been other girls. None compared though. Every time I was secretly miserable. Every time harboring my secret flame for HER. 

 

There you have it. Or at least the tip of the iceberg.

 

I’m pathetic, sure, but I also feel better. That nervous burning in my lungs isn’t as bad now. Don’t fool yourself though. It is still there. Telling you my woes hasn’t fixed them. I still don’t know what to do about HER. But I can go on another day now.

 

Maybe I go to a movie with HER tomorrow. Let’s be real though, my life isn’t that lucky. I’ll probably end up writing about my crazy ex instead. 

 

Until next time,

 

-C

 

 

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