Journal Day 59 – In debt again, Obs is sick, things in perspective

So shall we live, so too shall we die. Whenever something bad happens to me, I try to think about how short life is and that I shouldn’t really worry about anything. That really puts things into perspective no matter how large the problem is. Anyway, I just need to be more prepared for the future because an unexpected event did happen today.

I posted maybe a week or two ago that I had more money in the bank that I had in debts. Well, that statement just reversed itself. I now have more debt again. Not by a lot, but basically the person who purchased my Macbook Pro for $1450 on eBay issued a return request. It’s so frustrating because I thought this problem had been solved already, here it is resurfacing. I hate using eBay to sell things, the sellers have no rights. I love it for purchasing things though for that same exact reason.

I’m not sure what I’ll do with the Macbook Pro once it’s returned. Should I sell it again? Should I just send it over to the Philippines so my cousins over there can use it? It’s really expensive, plus computers and laptops there aren’t that common last time I went. I might just send it over to them. But again, I’m debt again now. Fuck. It is a headache, but not that big of a headache. I take it as a wake-up call. I’m frustrated and disappointed in myself.

I mean yeah $1450 isn’t that much, what I’m frustrated by is how this small event affected me so much. How much money had I thrown away over the years enslaved to debt, purchasing items I didn’t really need? I used to not even care about money, like $300? Who cares? But now, Heck, even $50 is valuable at this point. I want to spare every penny.

And I know that once I have more money than debt again, I’ll start to relax. I’ll be like “Yeah $500 who cares?” but I should really care. I’ll record this day as a day of frustration. Fuck. Money is a really frustrating topic, I don’t want to feel this way ever again.

Hmm. When you really compare your problems to death, it’s as if you have no problems. What am I even worried about at all? Still, I need to be more prepared in the future. Being in debt is absolutely terrible. I need to learn to spend my time and resources better.

Obs and I talked a lot today. Last night I posted an emotional comment on Obs’ latest post at the time and wasn’t sure how she would take it. The comment was about how I felt a little hurt from an answer she gave in the book we’re writing together. Would she hate me for posting such an emotional and personal comment?

First thing I did that morning was log onto the website and I found that both of our entries were already pushed down to the bottom of the page – in less than 10 hours. Usually, including the day before, it would have taken a full 24 hours and our entries would still be on the first page, but around 8-10 hours later, we were already at the bottom of the page? Wow. Lots of new posts in that 10 hour range.

Anyway, I went over to her latest entry and deleted the bottom half of my comment. She could still see it from her end though, through the email that was sent to her.

Around 8:30 AM, she would normally be awake and fully prepared at this point ready to go on the bus, if not already sitting on the bus. I texted her my well wishes for the day, and no reply. Kind of weird because she would normally text back instantly. It went on for about 2 hours, I was already at work at this point.

I wasn’t sure how she was feeling, maybe she hated me for posting that comment and was ignoring me and my texts? So I sent another text apologizing for posting it. A little bit later she replied herself apologizing in the delay of the reply, saying that she was sick and had been sleeping all day. She also said she was sorry for making me feel that way from the answer she wrote, saying she didn’t like the answer she gave either. She sounded like she really cared a lot that her answer made me feel that way and apologized some more.

I thought she sounded really caring. I had my normal work day afterwards.

I got home not really caring about anything and just went about my day. Then I got the message from eBay that this person wanted to return the item. What the fuck. Lots of stressful feelings and frustration just overwhelmed me, because I had already purchased these Christmas gifts, and now I’m in debt again. I don’t expect to receive anything good from Christmas either, last year I gave awesome gifts to people, and I got basically nothing worthwhile in return, cool.

I always give because I feel like others can benefit more from what I give. That’s why I’m now opting to just send my $1450 Macbook Pro to the Philippines so my cousins can use it. I think that’s what I’ll do actually. But we’ll see. I can also just sell it, and buy them a few $300 laptops. Either way.

I also talked with Obs again tonight. We talked about how she was feeling and she said she felt dead due to her sickness. It kind of came out of nowhere because her post from the day before sounded like she was healthy and just fine. I’m hoping she gets better. We also discussed the Macbook Pro being returned, she gave me a few different scenarios on how it wasn’t all that bad – like I can still resell it again for example.

Anyway, life goes on. Here I am with my very minor life problems that I have to deal with. Compared to some people here, my problems don’t even exist. Like Butterfly of Scorpion vividly described how she severely injured her foot and leg, and is unable to move as much now and has problems performing normal day to day functions. I’m wishing her the best, I’m so sorry. Just Keep Swimming consistently posts about her life problems which I admit are a lot to go through, but she persists through the adversity. MyCancerJourney and Raebsc both constantly post about their health problems which are really a lot to go through as well.

And lots of others. I’m just skimming the top, there’s a lot of people to name.

Again, life goes on. I shouldn’t be complaining about my problems at all since there is a lot I want to be able to accomplish in my life and adversity and challenges are a part of it all. Still, this event where I am in debt again was an unexpected set back.

To Obs: get well soon!


Selfie for the day

2 thoughts on “Journal Day 59 – In debt again, Obs is sick, things in perspective”

  1. It’s okay to complain, diary is a friend. You are not here to entertain us but to get heavy weight off your chest so you can carry on. Just because someone dealing with tragedy in their lives, doesn’t mean your problems aren’t there. Good luck balancing your bank account! You can do it.

  2. Money troubles are the worse elements of our lives – it can create friction in an otherwise healthy relationship or set you back far enough that you’re scraping for pennies paycheck to paycheck.

    About my foot: it doesn’t ache but the real hell comes from the cast and sleeping positions. I will never again take my ability to sleep granted again!

    During christmas, I think most of us get presents we could do without but it’s the thought that counts. I’ve been known to make my presents, makes it more personal.

    Glad Obs and you are well, hope she gets better!

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