Suffering

I do not care much of others thoughs about me. I know very well that I am special in my own way and that I should be proud of being different. I’m glad that I’m not inside all that pressure of fitting in with the big crowds, the popular ones (you know what I mean). I feel like I’m mostly a very understanding person, a good listener. I know everyones got their own problems, of all kinds. 

Yet, the though of what others think of me once in a while gets deep into my mind. You cannot tell me not to care about that, because you yourself (everyone) knows that its something that just isnt easy to avoid. Everyone would like to be liked by people, looked upon as positive. 

I’m unique, I know that very well. Still, it would be nice to fit in with the rest of the crowd too. Just feel like being included and not just a random observer by the sideline. I feel like such a freak whenever I’m at school for example.

If thats not the case then I’m invisible. Seeing how people are sitting together in groups. Everyone is eating, talking just like friends do. Then theres you. The only one sitting there without a single person next to you. You sit there trying to act like you dont care, so you dont look stupid for sitting alone. Seeing people you used to be with, not caring if youre alone anymore. Why exacly am I like this? Why can’t I too just lift my legs and move over to them, and well talk?

Walking around in the breaks, worst aswell. Running and walking around the entire school looking so stupid having no idea where you should go. People giving you weird looks, either they pity me or their judging me. 

Often I think of just killing myself, killing someone else, just in order to get attention. It’s sick isnt it? 

4 thoughts on “Suffering”

  1. I don’t think it is sick. You sound lonely. I get it as I’m lonely a lot too. I find my solace in books. If I’m reading then typically I don’t notice the stares and I care just a tiny bit less.

  2. You are special. God only created one of you, and He cherishes you. When you feel down, think about the great love your Heavenly Father has for you. Talk to Him . He will help. Blessings to you this Christmas—-joy!

  3. My friends used to call me “CRACK” ’cause I used to say and do things out of the ordinary when I was in school but even then I manged to make good friends how can you not? You have to try just a little harder.

  4. I am ironically too much like you, or vice versa ( I am in college now ) I sat alone. In lunch, waiting for the afternoon bus, after returning home, mom, dad, brother, all living in their world and their circles and then there was me. Silent poet with a journal in one hand and a Walkman in the other (we didn’t have ipods) it would bother me being alone sometimes. Usually when I was walking through the village aimlessly with only music as a friend. Needless to say … I began to utilize my loneliness through art. I’d illustrate how I felt, wrote a poem, or even a story. It’s hard for some of us to interact with other people. In my case, I am socially awkward. What I have discovered over the years is that I have crossed real friends whom are few and far between,actual real friends who aren’t just pretending to be benevolent. In this case, it’s quality over quantity. Love being you. It’s much better being real than pretending for a while to fit in with people who probably share nothing in common with you.

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