To the Person Behind the Mirror,
My husband doesn’t love me. He tries to discourage any part of who I am that he can’t use.
If I make friends and want to talk to them or spend time with them, he argues with me about how I shouldn’t be friends with them, and comes up with the most ridiculous reasons. He once told me I shouldn’t spend time with one of my best friends because she uses the word “glorious” excessively. Another friend he didn’t think I should be friends with because she likes a video game he doesn’t like. Another friend he told me he doesn’t like her because she tells me “I love you” and that should be something only he can say to me, and he goes on to say that it’s a bastardization of the English language because people always go into hyperbole and are never accurate about what they really mean.
At first I always think he’s joking, but then as the conversation progresses I can see him getting visibly upset that I am not agreeing with him and cancelling my plans. I don’t invite friends over to our house because it’s too much trouble arguing with him about it, and I go out with friends VERY rarely.
He doesn’t find value in the line of work that I have chosen. He hates kids so he doesn’t think I should be a teacher. He once told me “I thought you were going to become a therapist or something” as if he were disappointed in me for choosing education as a career. He gets upset whenever I talk about my job.
When we first started dating we went sledding together. He was from California so he had never played in the snow before, so I took him sledding. We laughed and had a great time and I remember him telling me “You and my mom will get along. You both like childish things.” and I was really happy because I do like childish things and I thought maybe he thought that was charming. It turns out he hates that about me. Recently I tried to buy a bag of dinosaur shaped gummies from a candy store when we were on vacation. He scolded me for “buying into a marketing gimmick” and said he thought I was smarter than that.
I’m fascinated by space because my dad is an astronomer and ran a planetarium for decades before he retired. But once, my husband accused me of being just a poser because I don’t own a telescope or understand the mathematics behind astrophysics. I asked him if I bought a telescope if he would look through it with me, and he said no. During a lunar eclipse he scolded me for going outside too often to look at it (he wanted me to stay inside and play a video game with him).
The only thing he enjoys doing is playing video games, and he usually wants me to play with him. As far as I can tell the primary reason he wants me to play is so he will have someone to play with consistently since his other friends are sometimes busy and unlike me he can’t control their schedules. He has never expressed a particular enjoyment of my company in the game. I feel like a tool.
When I fell in love with him, he wasn’t like this. I miss the man I fell in love with.
I want to fall in love again.
I will write again.