Been thinking about writing for a while. My life right now seems like a mess. My husband suddenly took a job out of state and I have an infant trying to manage a farm with 100+ head of livestock and 50+ chickens that I need to butcher in about a month. By myself. During winter. And I feel like a single parent. Actually, I am. Ever hear of “Cold Mountain?” add an infant and some 21st century luxuries and that’s how I feel.
I’m on maternity leave, applying for jobs in my field of expertise. It is not like we have to have the extra money. Have quite a bit in savings, enough to ensure me a 6 month maternity leave. But that’s what I see now. Who knows, there may be a reason. My husband also had a baby with another woman. Believes in polygamy. Yes, you read that right. I’ve been trying to live that lifestyle for a while, but I hate what it does to me. I hate how it makes me feel. I hate the drama. I’m glad she left. I don’t want any part of it. But he said she could come back. I hope she doesn’t. I have a hard time believing that this is “right” in Yehovah’s eyes. I believe He allowed it, much like divorce, but it isn’t His design. TWICE He populated the earth with Monogamy. I can argue it all I want, but the fact is, I stayed. I have every reason to leave. Other than being physically abused, I feel like I have experienced it all during this ordeal. Lies, betrayal, deceit, favoritism, etc. So why do I stay? Because. I don’t know.
Perhaps I want to believe that it’s possible that it could work, that I can “overcome” those feelings. I can’t seem to “pull the trigger” and call it quits. I suppose I’m just not done yet. I suppose I still love him. But I’m done with the drama. I’ll tell you that right now. She comes back and blows up in anger again, I’m out. Why would I “give it one last try”? Because I drew my boundaries, finally. Said I wasn’t going to live with anger. Then it’s not on me, see? As I read this, it’s really sad, how I justify things. I feel like a liar to him. My closest friends and family know how I really feel, the problems I have with my perceptions of him and his actions, but he doesn’t know how close to leaving him I am. That I don’t feel much of a connection to him anymore. That I don’t trust him like I used to. That I’m becoming numb. I miss the closeness I felt with him. I don’t feel like “one flesh” with him at all like I used to. I felt a huge “tearing away” a ripping of my spirit from him when he got with her. I didn’t know it at the time, but that’s probably about the time when they started having intimate relations. My body and spirit knew. I felt the tearing away. I don’t understand how he can’t feel it too. It gives me chest pain, writing about this.
Everything happens for a reason. There is no “winning” in plural marriage. Just a lot of pain and suffering. At times, I have glimpses when everyone is ok, when I’m ok. And this is when I think “this could work” but it’s not very often. Almost how a woman thinks “its not so bad” when her alcoholic husband isn’t drinking/on a binge. And then he drinks and the cycle starts all over. And then I get jealous or perceive a wrongdoing, or see something I don’t like and it sends me over the edge. Perhaps I’m the alcoholic.
I know of a family that has been living this lifestyle for almost 20 years and they all seem happy/comfortable/acceptent. They’ve worked out their issues and worked hard as a family. But you see, the women were committed to each other as well as committed to the man. It won’t work if the women are not committed to each other. Don’t fool yourself.
My mom married 4 times in 18 years. I’ve been the only, middle, and eldest child in 4 different families. I swore I wasn’t going to do that. I never wanted to have a blended family, to deal with ex-wives, step-children, half siblings blah blah blah. But look at what the Box of Chocolates had in store for me? I married a man without prior marriages, children etc. 9 years later, the issue of plural marriage (PM for short) shows up on my doorstep and moves in. WTF?
An old friend once told me that the thing you love most about your husband will turn into the thing you hate the most. Can’t say I “hate” it, but I certainly dislike it. See, once he studies a topic and formulates an opinion, he will not change his mind. I loved his confidence, consistency, and steadfastness in the early years. He made me feel secure, grounded, and safe. Now his confidence, consistency, and steadfastness in the want to reconcile with her, that PM is ok/acceptable, and his desire for her leaves me insecure, shaky, vulnerable, and feeling horribly inadequate. He says all the right things to make me stay. But it is the same things he has told me all throughout our marriage, before all this PM business. I could demonize him. I have in the past. But he TRULY believes it’s ok. TRULY cares about me (and her) and wants to be the best husband to both of us. Damn you Jay! I HATE that you love both of us, that you can justify it, and that you feel so blessed/fulfilled when things are going well. You have NO IDEA the damage you have caused. The rage, the pain, the shear maddness. These emotions take me to places that I never knew existed, how I feel provoked by it all. She hates it, I hate it, and you’re the only one who feels blessed. You can be such an asshole.
And now she’s gone. But she’s fickle. You are/were her first everything. I told you if I ever left I would not come back. I would cut you off like an arm bitten by a zombie. None of this dabbling back and forth, using our daughter as an excuse to see you. That I’d only talk about things pertaining to our daughter and things pertinent to the divorce/taxes/business. Nothing personal other than surface politeness. That’s all you’d get. And you know it. But you don’t know how close I am to being done. Because the drama isn’t over. She isn’t done and I know it. Drama kills relationships and PM is nothing. but. drama.