As most mothers, I’m devoted to my child. I’m in awe of everything that he does and for someone that wasn’t set on having kids, I now don’t know why I didn’t do this sooner.
Despite Husband and I not always getting along I think we did very well in those first few months where sleep doesn’t exist. My husband loves our son undoubtedly and I will always have guilt for ultimately making the first move in leaving the home and for breaking the family even though I viewed it as temporary, the tricky part is I left the home because it’s what was best for our son. It was the hardest decision of my life.
The decision to leave didn’t come easily or whimsically, there were a build up of occasions of being so uncomfortable in the home I stayed at my parents ….unfortunately each time I left Hyde didn’t care, in fact each time I returned home I often found a friend of Husband’s that I’ll refer to as Drinking Friend in our house and who often has man sleepovers with Husband.
I don’t begrudge Husband for having his social life in tact, one of us should as my outings consisted of errands and the months were slipping by that I hadn’t even seen my best friend. What I do hold resentment for was not being a priority to his social life. His weekends are often filled with his band performances and get togethers with friends and when he was home he often spent his time in the basement drinking and playing videos games. Looking back it’s hard to admit that yeah, our marriage was breaking down. I can’t fully put the blame on him, I’m human and I’m flawed, I was shutting down but it was a constant battle of the intrusion of his parents combined with his growing alcoholism. I worried constantly about him drinking and driving, I worried for what I would come home to each night. My life was just filled with worry because I cared. I wasn’t fun anymore, I was filled with doubt and overburdened with responsibility.
I don’t want to paint the picture Husband was a drunken fool with slurred speech and collapsing into walls – on the contrary it’s hard to tell he’s been drinking but there were subtle signs only a wife knows, the glassy eyes, the chattiness and the hint of arrogance. Husband is a good man, it’s the alcohol that numbs him and turns him into Hyde. Hyde is an ugly person who deflects blame, won’t apologize, purposely hurts, Hyde is not truly who Husband is.
I began informally preparing to leave for about a month or so before I did, I did research, I got myself into counselling, I spoke to lawyers building a pretty solid support system. Not one person told me to stay, every professional entity advised me immediately to go which was honestly not what I wanted to hear. I wanted to believe Husband was okay, I wanted to believe our son and I were really his priority. I spent a long time living in silence, protecting him, protecting our family. I was a classic co-dependent enabler. I wanted to take care of him, I wanted to make it better and unfortunately the only person to make it better is him. The deciding factor in leaving was trust, it was gone. I couldn’t trust him to be a responsible father and husband.
My decision to consult with lawyers was really just as a worst case scenario. I didn’t think I would be hauled into a court …. until today, day 10 of separation.
Its only been a week and I’m homesick, my stomach is constantly turning and Husband has definitely been devising a plan. Late last week I went to the house, I dropped off some mail and no one was home. He wasted no time buying new bedroom furniture, he also wasted no time obtaining quotes for a very expensive vehicle. This is perplexing to me and has led me to believe he wanted us/me to leave.
I couldn’t stand that our son had not seen his father in almost a week. Mid-week I took our son to the hospital because he had an increasing spiking bad fever, Husband said he’d come and never came. Late last week I offered Husband to meet us at the mall, he agreed. We met and he spent time with his son, we got along, spoke reasonably and he was eating fries off my plate as if nothing was different. But something was different, he couldn’t look me in the eye and when I did catch his eyes I saw fear, sadness and guilt. He also removed his wedding band.
It all makes sense now.
In Canada, the court expects divorce proceedings to go something like this: 1. The parties attempt to negotiate directly. 2. If they can’t then they retain lawyers. 3. Through lawyers and other avenues they attempt to negotiate. 4. If not solved a case conference with a judge is scheduled. 5. After a case conference either party is allowed to file a motion on important issues of disagreement like custody and access.
The only time a motion can be filed before a case conference is if a child has been kidnapped, is in immediate danger or there is serious financial hardship, in that case it’s considered an urgent motion.
Husband decided to skip all the appropriate steps and go right for the jugular.
Today I was served divorce papers along with an urgent motion that I had abducted our child, and Husband was requesting a police enforced order to have our child completely removed from my care citing in multiple slandering pleadings that I’m an unfit mother, emotionally unstable, mentally ill and paranoid with nothing concrete to back it up. Well if I ever was paranoid, I clearly have good reason to be. No mention ever of divorce before, no mention ever of me being a bad mother.
My world as I knew it completely shifted, the man I loved maliciously ambushed me and betrayed me at all costs. Nothing in his materials stated any proposal of how I would be incorporated into our child’s life. It was just a done deal, take our child and go, eliminate me altogether. There in his pleadings was our very personal conversations, our life was no longer ours, it was no longer private. It was public, very public and used against me.
I now know who I’m battling is Husbands parents and not Husband. Together we are in a decent amount of debt, we hadn’t paid much down on what we spent on our wedding plus we incurred costs during my maternity leave. He is no position to afford litigation but there it is staring at me so no doubt it’s funded by his parents. He decided in less than a week to end this family in the most destructive way one can, this isn’t like him. I’ve always been in awe of Husbands ability not to react immediately as he’s very calculated and always approaches things cautiously. I know who’s really behind this.
I have to go now retain one of the lawyers I was consulting with. I am heartbroken.
Up Next – Day 21: Urgent Motion