Insecurities

Did you ever notice how when you start you new relationship you notice every single flaw you have even more than you normally would? The nose that isn’t quite straight.  The extra tummy fat.  The bags under your eyes that you’ve never really noticed before and wonder where they suddenly came from.

I have a lot of flaws.  When I think back over my past relationships I’m still not sure what flaws were the ones that made him suddenly not want me.  So I get very insecure on what I should and should not show.  Which I know is wrong.  Just be yourself and if they don’t like you for you then it’s their lose right? Yeah,  that’s the line everyone uses.  But how many girls out there go out on their first date and look at the greasy cheeseburger or that steak, or chicken Florentine and end up ordering a salad? More than you think.  You let the flaws out little by little.  Hoping by the time you expose your next one he’s forgotten the last one.

As a submissive we don’t always get the choice of which flaws we want to show when.  When requested we do as we’re told and hope for the best.  So what brought on this sudden panic of my many flaws you wonder? He asked me for a picture.  No problem I thought.  I’m meeting with my family later and I’ll take one after I’ve gotten myself ready.  No,  he wanted a picture right then.  In my pjs,  barely awake, still wearing my broken glasses with no makeup and my hair looking like I just survived a hurricane.  No part of me wanted to give him this picture.  But I did.  I did because I needed him to know that not everything I submit to I may like.

You see,  in my previous relationship I was pushed into things that not only I didn’t like but were unhealthy and in cases completely unsafe.  So he’s careful right now not to push me in a way I’m not comfortable.  But there’s a difference between being pushed into an area I’m not comfortable and being Pushed into an area I’m not safe.  Being pushed into meeting strangers alone was not only uncomfortable,  it was potentially dangerous and I’m very grateful it never turned dangerous….well until after the fact.  But that’s a different story.  Being pushed to send a picture that shows me at my absolute worst just plays on my insecurities that he won’t like me seeing me that way.  The previous guy, he didn’t want to see me unless I was looking sexy for him.  Sexy.  I’ve grown to hate that word.  And although I know my Master is not like that in anyway,  those scars are still there and still leave me feeling scared that seeing anything less than sexy means he will be gone.  He’s a very handsome, smart, caring man that I think at least once day I don’t deserve.  So each flaw I show I wonder if this will be the one that makes him realize he could be doing so much better.

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