Honestly I cannot wrap my head around what compelled me to begin writing again. A new year a new me? Shit, I hope I don’t just quit, and never write again.
When I was really young I wanted to be a writer, but that dream died sometime when I started growing up. Lately I began wondering why I stopped doing the things I loved before, I began observing the things I do now and I feel depressingly dull. I used to love jogging in the evenings, but now I live in a city (it’s heavily polluted since I live in a developing country) so I stopped jogging. I used to love drawing in my free time and writing in my diary, now I don’t feel inspired enough to do either. I’m too busy being drained from hectic travels to college, and smoking out with friends. Growing up I began feeling more depressed especially when I hit puberty, I think that’s why I lost interest in writing and a lot of other things. I wish I could explain all the obstacles I had to go through growing up, eventually I was so emotionally drained I wasn’t strong enough to fight the depression any longer.
I am a high-functioning depressed person though, for those of you who do not know what that means, it means I look like I’m okay but on the inside I’m like “Bitch I’m dying”. I do not like telling people I have clinical depression, people kinda expect me to open up or they feel freaked out that I look so happy. I hate it when they expect me to be emotional because I’m the opposite, I dislike talking about real feelings specifically if they’re my own. It’s not easy having any kind of depression really, some cannot hide their feelings and for me I rather contain it all and pretend it’s not really there. Some days I forget I have depression, sometimes for weeks I forget, but I remember what the doctor told me and I basically have an imbalance in my brain so I will always have it. I choose not to drink any anti-depressants because I just think weed is so much better, why do I want to be dependent on a drug that will eventually fuck up my liver?
My mom, she’s a character alright, she is so strong and unique I love her so much. She has so many disorders some days I question whether the doctors just want to get the most out of her and she’s taking meds for disorders she doesn’t have. She drinks 2 handfuls of meds and I can’t figure out how she can swallow a handful twice like it’s nothing. It’ll freak anyone out, that’s why she hides when she drinks her meds.
My best friend and my boyfriend stayed over at my moms with me, and in the middle of the night we all heard her medicine bag open slowly. We live in a really small apartment so we can hear everything when it’s 1am. I pretended to go to the bathroom, I snuck past some slide doors and I startled my mom right when she was about to drink her first handful, she got so scared she flung all her meds. In the quiet night all the individual tablets falling onto the floor made such a racket, my mother stared at me eyes bugging out with anger, I just got the hell out of there and ran into my room.
I love my mom she is truly a fighter, living with so many disorders must be so hard. I’m glad I’m not her, it’s mean to say but hallelujah. I don’t live with my mom in case the way I talk about her is confusing. I live in a totally different country from my mom, I don’t live with my parents anymore, but my dad visits every month or every other month. He lives in the same country as me but on a different island. He travels a lot for business and my mother and him are divorced. I live in an apartment with my best friend and my boyfriend, and we all go to the same college.
I think the main reason I want to start having more hobbies and things to do other than binge watching a whole series, is because of my boyfriend.
I honestly want to make him proud, he may never read or know that I’m writing, but he will see I’m doing something other than binge watching a series whenever he’s doing something else. I do not want him to think that I just wait around on him. It’s not that I do wait around on him it’s just that I rather lay down relax and just watch something. I love my bed, we have a tighter relationship than my boyfriend and I.
It’s really amazing to me that my boyfriend makes me better and he doesn’t even know it. I just hope he notices it one day through my actions. After my boyfriend and I went through all the arguments we could possibly go through, we became more relaxed and got used to each other. Ever since then, I feel so much happier because I can be me and he can be him.
Anyways I think this is a good start, hopefully I’ll come back and make a second entry.