Losing myself physically, part 1.

I’m feeling so proud of myself today.

I used to exercise every day. For two hours. One hour of running and one hour of weight-lifting. I did it for a long time to cope with my father’s death. My getting sick and having to do physical therapy and rehab to get back to work just kind of turned into an obsession. I HAD to work out. It was my coping mechanism.

And things have unraveled ever since the beginning of last year.

It started with a physical therapy aide who told me I couldn’t work out at home anymore. Cue a major mental breakdown, getting kicked out of physical therapy, and my work finding out I was emotionally unstable. It was a nightmare. I was trying to receive help by signing up for the counseling center, and with everything going on I stopped going.

The only good thing that came out of that was that it was when I finally started progressing through the grieving process. I finally started to grieve for my dad and cope with my illness. Missing a workout here and there didn’t make me go off the deep end and freak out.

When I got a new job a year ago, I had a lot of change to adjust to. I had to switch to working 5 days a week instead of 3. I was working 8 hour days instead of 12. And I was sitting a lot more. I wasn’t quite sure how to adjust my workout schedule.

1st idea: Exercise after work. But I didn’t have enough energy left to complete my workouts. They had to be done first thing or I would run out of steam.

2nd idea: Exercise before work. But I am NOT a morning person. Neither is my husband. I am also a light sleeper, so he was keeping me up at night when I was trying to get to bed early. Also, I have to take my mom to work in the morning sometimes. This was also failing miserably.

Exercising just proved to be a lot easier to do on days I didn’t work. I didn’t have enough energy to weight lift and run if I was working that day. And working 5 days a week meant I couldn’t keep my routine.

A rational person would have attempted to cut back a little until the routine was doable. But because I was also studying for the GRE and applying to grad school, it just stopped.

I still ran occasionally, but 6 months later I had to start a new supplement for my nerve pain and it made me so exhausted all the time that I stopped working out entirely.

And now, 6 months after that, I am tired all the time and almost 30 pounds heavier.

I have been so disappointed in myself for losing all the progress I made. I went from barely being able to walk to squatting 50 pounds and running a 5k almost every day.

And this last week I realized just how much I’ve lost. I did yoga three days in a row and was so exhausted I couldn’t even help my mom make tamales and had to go home.

I’ll continue this talk in a second entry. I am rambling.

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