Bipolar disaster.

My thoughts and feelings are always bottled in. I have lots of family,  very little friends, yet I’m so alone. I’m married with 2 kids and currently 34 weeks pregnant as of today. I used to have this diary in my rebel teen days that would be my outlet for my daily rants and my emotional outbursts. I have never trully ever expressed my truest thoughts to someone “real”. I will begin by stating that i am a 30 year old bipolar recovering addict. Understand that i never once in my life thought i would be an addict nor do i look like your average addict. I have been called beautiful by many yet a disaster to some. Currently i am dealing with my pregnancy hormones that control my every thought, emotion, and daily activites. I need to find an anonymous outlet that would allow me some sort of gratification whether its being read or not. My therapists used to encourage my writings. I am feeling overwhelmed by my depression and i fear the mania that would be expected to come around the corner. I refuse to be medicated while being pregnant. I am overly stubborn and completely protective of my unborn child. His name is Jeremiah. My marriage is going to hell. Has been for the last 3 years. I have not been the perfect spouse and dont expect sympathy. If any it should be to my better half. Even though he has his issues, he has always provided financially and been as supportive as one can be. Lately my lows have been expressing itself with a lot of anger and bitterness and unfortunately ive been taking it out on the ones I love the most. It’s always the same rant “pick up your shoes!” “pick up your clothes.” “make the bed.” “wash the dishes.” etc. Etc. Etc. My own voice drives me insane. The lack of intimacy because of the constant arguments have taken a toll. I have yet to orgasm in the past 3 months. Every thing he seems to do or does is half ass and is driving me crazy!! The beds sloppily made, shoes on the middle of the floor. It’s more than just that. We have grown a custom to degrading eachother when we speak. There is absolutely NO RESPECT from either of us. Hurtful, painful words, and they cut deep. We’ve been together for 10 years and have been through so much together that i believe it’s one of the reasons it seems so hard to leave eachother. I work full time between nannying and a part time receptionist position. I also take care of my parents whom are in their mid 70s. My mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s when i was 18.  My life is chaotic. All i want is some stability a little bit of love and encouragement from my husband. The money is great but the fact of the matter is i cant do the cooking, cleaning, paying bills, caregiver, and full-time employee all while being pregnant. I want him to help me. To understand that im stressed and try to take some pressure off of me without me saying anything because when i do its always some reason why he can’t and the competitive arguments begin on whose day was harder than who’s. I have a pretty messed up background that makes my life a littls bit more of a disastrous clarity. I will begin to share my life’s chain of events so to speak that would better understand the underlying roots of most of my issues. I dont want to be alone. I love my husband. I want Us to work. I see the friends in my FB timelines with their happy lives and their Merry Xmas to all bullshit, yet i have been locked in my room for 2 days pittying myself, crying, ruining my children’s memories that makes me feel beyond the worst. Im the fucking Grinch. I am a beautiful disaster. Always have been and always will…. To be cont……..

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