Dear Prying Eyes,
As usual tonight was no different from yesterday and the day before that — My husband who I have fallen in love with 21 years ago as I realized was a big lesson to be learned. No, I won’t call it a mistake. In fact, it was destiny. I was destined to meet him, fell in love with him, make love with him (that eventually turned out to be an obligatory sex episodes), have six children with him and most likely be separated with him a year or two.
When I fist laid my eyes on him, I had this cheesy “slow-motion” short visual snippets of him walking towards him. I knew right then that it was love at first sight. I knew I was going to marry this man. We were both 19 and foolish.
Because I was blinded with love, I never saw the signs of his character. All I knew was I love him and nothing else mattered—until we had our first child. There it started to show up. His insecurities and all the bad stuff. Laziness, lack of ambition, inconsistency and etc. Though they had a booming family-owned business, he didn’t really took after his workaholic father — he does not want to be part of it.
He got me pregnant again, 3 months after giving birth; boy! life was getting difficult and difficult –but again it does not matter because I love him. This went on until our 6th child.
It was just recently that I gravely realized that he was doing harm to my family. All those years that I thought he was just lost & confused because of the complexity of his family issues and not putting aside that he was a dependent to Meth for 9 years was just false hope of waiting for him to turned into a new leaf. Life was hell. We all tried everything, name it, we tried it. From private drug rehabilitation center, religious group, multi-level networking, personal talk, death of his relatives and friends — not one traumatic experience did good, as a matter of fact — he became a matter wasting space.
So you can imagine what i had to put up with—what my children put up with–living under the same roof with a person who failed to be a good father and good husband.
Every single day, he lays on the bed–on the couch, sleeping, playing clash of clans while I work just to make sure we have income. His parent fortunately provides hefty monthly allowance to him, barely enough to cover his share of obligations.
Seriously, I do not know what to do with him. I ran out of ideas to inspire him. He does not teach our sons good manners & right conduct. Of course, I wasn’t a martyr during disappointing times, I nag —because I’m tired of his shit, his excuses and his promises.
Our children no longer respects him–how can you respect someone who is 40 and still has a mind of a juvenile.
So, tonight was no different–there he is glued to youtube.com—watching MMA whatever–or alien shit or whatever waste of time.