Emptiness

Yesterday was such an emotional fucked up day for me. Christmas Eve was good and Christmas day was good. The 26th for some reason, I felt empty, incomplete, and filled with void. I haven’t felt like this in several years, and out of no where, boom, feelings arise. I gave up on love, and finding, “The one” a few years back when I turned 50. I figured that if I hadn’t met her yet, or if I already knew her and it hasn’t happened by age 50, that “The One” probably would never happen. Yesterday, that feeling, need, and want consumed me. I want love, real love, not just love like you really aren’t sure but kinda go with it, real, take your breath away, instant connection, love. Usually when I get these feelings, I think of my stupid fuckin obsession with C. Cooper. That was in freakin 1985, a million damn years ago, and yet, I couldn’t stop thinking of her through the years. My mission was to find her online somewhere and apologize for being a young and immature idiot back then, and for doing such childish things out of jealously. I just couldn’t stop thinking of her. It wasn’t like a daily thought, but an every now and then thought, and I would get that heart wrenching pain inside me when I did think of her. I found her online a while back and emailed her and apologized for the past, and then I just had to go and get all emotional bullshit, and I pissed her off and probably freaked the shit out of her. We never emailed again. And again, I felt like an idiot and embarrassed for being mushy. She never thought of me probably. In one of her emails I learned that her long time GF had died. My heart broke for her and the pain she must be feeling. About a year and a half ago, I realized that if I was still having feelings for someone I knew back in 1985, that I was a tad insane. I made an appointment with a shrink and spent three months training myself to let it go. It worked. I hardly ever thought of her anymore, and when I did, I pictured her dead GF in heaven haunting me and forced myself to think of something else quickly. Six months after that, I see her in Shaw’s. Market Basket had been closed for a lil bit, and Shaw’s wanted the MB customers, so they were having an insane cheap sale on chicken breast, and that’s why I went there that day. Toward the end of my shopping I realized that I could afford a nice salmon steak so I went back to the seafood department. I for some reason turn around and in the veggie section I see from the back, a short woman with long dark hair and a nice butt and I think to myself, oooh, hot damn she’s cute. For some who the fuck knows kind of reason, she turned around and it was C.Cooper. our eyes locked and both of us froze like that with our mouths hanging open, for what felt like five minutes. That intense heart stopping feeling came to me and I was frozen. We both were. Then I remembered that I pissed her off and freaked her out in an email, and the world came back to me and I quickly looked away. We looked away at the same time. My last vision of that moment as I turned my head, was of her, quickly turning her head after seeing each other. For her she probably thought I was stalking her or something and scared the shit out of her and she was looking at me in fear. For me, time literally had stopped, I was frozen, I felt something, I’m not quite sure what it was, but it was like that moment that you lay your eyes on someone from across the room, and you just know. Who knows, maybe it was gas or something. On the way home and for a few months, and now every so often, I think of that eye lock moment and how I felt and how she probably thought I was stalking her and in fear. I bitched to God, or just out loud. ‘Why? Why the fuck would you do that to me God when you know very well that I was a fruitloop and was finally getting over my stupid obsession? Why?’ I hardly ever shop at Shaw’s because the prices are so high. The one time I do, I just had to see her for the first time since the 80’s. WTF?? I’m both pissed off that the moment happened and yet, glad that it did. I still don’t understand why would God, or whatever creator there is, do that to me? I was just about over my insane 30 year obsession, and boom, you just HAD to throw that moment into the fire? WTF??? I feel like God’s play toy. … Hey let’s fuck with Maria today and see what happens. Screw you, whatever creator you are. Just screw you for fucking with me. I finally stopped thinking of that moment after a few weeks. And then slam! That empty dead feeling consumes me out of no where on the 26th and I think of C.Cooper yet again. Fuck I feel like I should be committed or something. Get out of my head!!!! WTF??!!! Once in a while I think of our first kiss. It took my breath away. But not often though. Then that little brain damaged part of me thinks, well what if that moment in Shaw’s was supposed to happen for a reason and maybe she wasn’t looking at me in fear but for the same reason I was frozen? I hate that little insane part of me that keeps the C.Cooper flame alive, in the shadows of my deepest insane mind. I know that when I do think of her, I get THAT feeling. That pang of emotion, and waiting for a love that will never ever happen. Can I commit myself? Only a fucked up brain damaged person would still have feelings for someone for thirty some odd years. I hate that part of myself.

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