I Don’t Know What To Call This So Whatever

Nothing says the end of the year like being completely incapable of feeling positive for more than 0.000001 seconds at a time and wanting to do nothing but sit in your room, at your desk, while doing your makeup and then wiping it off and doing it again with a different shade of eyeshadow, while trying to remember how to write Japanese hiragana and listening to two-hour-long videos of two giant British dorks playing Undertale.

2016 sucked for the most part, and I thought about killing myself so many times it was actually funny. 2015 was a better year–an interlude year, because 2014 was an absolute hellstorm for me as well. It’s hilarious how often I thought about dying this year. It’s even funnier when I realize that I thought more about it during the past four months of school than I did for a long time. Quick realization though–if you say you’re a happy person, everyone in the universe will believe you–but if you say you’re sad, random people will jump out from behind bushes and internet forums to tell you that you’re not, you’re just overreacting and being stupid over small things. I hate people who don’t take sadness seriously–like do you just have no soul or empathy at all?! don’t you realize that some people are just coming to terms with the fact that they’re sad themselves?! weren’t you ever a teenager?! do you just have a perfect idyllic life in which you never feel sad at all?! haven’t you ever watched Inside Out?! Still, I do wonder……..

What must it be like to be a normal person and not have to suddenly be overwhelmed by Feelings™ at the most inconvenient times? I can’t understand it, and I try so hard to be happy and stop hating myself, but I can’t do it, and this year I’ve had basically one of the best emotional breakdowns I have ever had in my life, which consisted of me laying in bed suffocating under my blankets, crying so hard that I couldn’t breathe or swallow or even see for ten minutes.

This year I think I have finally come to terms with the fact that there is something irrevocably wrong with me–something that’s sick inside. But it’s okay. I get angry all the time, but being angry is tiring, so the Rage breaks down into Sadness. Being sad makes me sarcastic and chipper as hell, and that puts me in the mood to do my makeup with lots of sparkly eyeshadow, and watch Dan and Phil play Undertale.

I almost started crying while watching #10 of their Undertale videos. I love Frisk’s (who’ll always be Toto to me) completely Done™ expression and stripey sweater, as well as Sans’ puns and Undyne’s extraness. It makes me happy even though I don’t play Undertale.

Inside Out also makes me happy. It is, quite possibly, one of the most important movies I have ever seen in my life, along with Finding Dory.

My old friends from China still make me happy even though they’re not here with me. They make me happier than most of the people I know here. They told me the other day: “We are family.”–told me that they hope to see me again, someday, and that they’ll always be my family if I need them. They make me feel loved.

See: so many things keep me happy. I’m listening to gnash’s “Home” (yay almost 13 million views I’m so proud of him) and it is one of the most genuine, heartwarming songs I’ve been listening to. So beautiful and lovely. If I have good music to listen to, so many terrible things can go away. It’s like light, like holding a little candle.


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