juggernaut

i’ve always thought there was something wrong.. with me. after 7 years of anger management therapy, i thought i was done. i thought i could finally control how i acted and how i felt. well, i was completely wrong. (i was 11 at the time.) an online friend of mine talked to me privately and told me how he thought i was lost. he thought i needed help, that i was depressed and i should tell my parents immediately, so i did. i told them and my mom put me back into therapy sessions but for depression & anxiety instead. (i wish i could thank the kid, but sadly i can’t locate where he is today.)  at the time i didn’t know this, but i was clearly developing some trust issues. i had difficulty with trusting people and being social and, well, opening up to people. i couldn’t even open up to the therapist. i’ve known her for two years, and it still feels weird. it’s hard.

 

back to the subject i know i probably shouldn’t be posting this online, but i want everyone to know. i just feel that way right now but i’ll probably delete this post later. i’ve always wanted to kill myself, but you know how people always say “good things come to those who wait.” well, i’m waiting. that’s my driving force of me not being dead yet – that’s why i’m still here. i’m waiting for a happy ending, i wanna be “cured” of this depression i don’t wanna be sad anymore. honestly, it really hurts. i don’t know if many depressed people feel this way, but it’s constant reminders of being worthless.

 

here’s the process of my thinking:

regular thoughts about daily tasks (ex. driving) > horrible things that could happen during those daily tasks > death relating to those horrible things > suicidal thoughts  “no one cares if i’m dead.”

 

it’s hard. it’s really hard to keep those thoughts from coming in, because really you can’t stop it. it’s like there’s something there whispering to your brain to make your brain make you think those things. sometimes, it’s like society vs. depression: who will win?

well guess what, i will. i’m gonna win. i’m not just gonna be the narrator here, i wanna fight too. i’m a part of this. you’re not just going to sit there while each of you tear me up piece by piece and send it off to other people to tear up because it HURTS. i don’t want to send my depression onto anyone else, and i’m not saying i deserve it either. i don’t think anyone deserves it actually. 

depression always stops me from wanting to do things. like thinking of large tasks.. or goals! yeah, goals! woo. goals. 

i’ve always wanted to be something big. not like kylie jenner that was born rich. i mean like earning it.. by taking the time to go to college and understand. understand what that goal needs to be achieved. but, how am i supposed to do that if i have an invisible.. shadow following me around?

i did mention i have anxiety — depression & anxiety are teaming up. it’s like juggernaut. me vs depression & anxiety, fun isn’t it?

my mind could ramble on for so much longer but i can include all my thoughts in another post and half of this audience probably doesn’t even care.

farewell!

-a.b.

 

 

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