Love is always different

As mentioned in my previous journal entry I bumped into my ex last night.  We were together for four and a half year.  Our relationship ended 5 years ago! 

5 years is a long time, it’s crazy that just spotting his face in a crowded bar fills my body and mind with a rush of emotions.  A feeling of sickness.  

Our relationship was a heated ocean of turbulence.  He wasn’t physically violent, but I was young and vulnerable, gullible and easily manipulated.  He was insecure.  

When we were together he always wanted to see me, he always wanted to be around me.  I thought this was love.  When I discovered his lies instead of letting me move on he would declare his love for me, he would pour his heart out and tell me I was the best thing that ever happened to him.

He lied about having children he lied about being married, he lied about attempting to cheat on me.  People question why I never left him.  I tried to leave him so many times.  Back then I was too weak.

My mind was fogged with depression.  My eating disorder was my main purpose in life.  Everything felt so out of control I felt like I was failing at everything but this was one thing I had control over.  My mind was sick.

I felt so alone, I needed someone by my side.  My ex was poisoning my soul but I felt like I could not live without him. He told me he was the only one who understood me.  He said he would always always love me.  So why didn’t he help me, all I wanted was for him to help me to show me he loved me.

He was with his new girlfriend last night, I’m sure they are happy.  It feels strange thinking that once I belonged to him, now I am independent. 

He controlled my mind for over four years.  

Now I am free

 

 

 

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