Pain

Pain is a funny thing. It seems we forget about all that hurts when we don’t feel it, it hits and you remember why it hurts so much. It makes you wonder what is worth suffering like this for. It can be for pride or love. You want to see how much you can take before you break, you want to see how hard you can fight before you quit. We see pain everyday, we stare at it and its normalcy in our lives and yet we don’t notice it until it is in our homes, looking back at us. We can go for days, weeks, months even without feeling pain, just when you are starting to settle into your happiness pain shows itself to you. You try with all your might to keep it away from those you love because you are well aware that there is no saving you, then once you reach the bottom of that dark, black void you look around and hold your head in shame. Those you have tried so hard to save, the ones you were protecting, the people you care about and love with all your heart and soul, they are there, there down in the void with you. It’s too late, you have failed. You let them fall into the void because of you, you let them fall because they saw your suffering. They wanted to help but you pushed them away and they watched. They watched you live on hurt and broken. They watched you live on with misery behind your joyus smile and kind eyes. Behind your positive personality you hid trying to help them not thinking about the costs. You didn’t want to hurt them, but you did. You hurt them more than anyone else. The worst part is they gladly took blow after blow, hit after hit, strike after strike until finally they couldn’t fight anymore. Their spirits broken, their hearts torn in two lying shattered under your feet, their blood on your hands. They lay in that void with you hollow, broken, empty, just like you, just like you never wanted them to be. You are too broken to repair the damages, you know that, you don’t care. You try to fix them, they try to fix you, the cycle becomes vicious as as soon as one of you finds happiness they forget the other and regret that decision. You find yourself relying on each other not really knowing why, until you drift apart, destined to find more pain and people to sacrifice. This world is broken, and there are people who try to fix it, the there is too many even for their reach. It’s hard to find happiness but once you do, nold onto it tightly, hold onto it as if your life depends on it. Because one day you may wish you had, those you wanted to protect may wish you had. Live, love, laugh, try to be happy they say, well if only it were that easy. Those are words spoken only when and by whom have forgotten the sting and the torture of pain. Once in that void it is a battle to get out, your hands become callused and coarse, your heart becomes hard and stubborn. You start to build walls and it makes it hard for you to feel pain, it also makes it hard to feel joy and happiness. You don’t want the walls but you know what happens if they go, so you keep them. Then you find yourself throwing yourself down into the void after those you hurt. You long for companionship, you long for something to ease the hurt. You don’t know why but you do, you don’t know why but you see faces around you. The faces of the broken, the ones you broke, you let them in and your walls fall. Together you build up, you become happy, then you forget, you forget about the hurt. Then all at once, when you think you’re happy and things go back to “normal” it hits. It plows over you like you are nothing. That you notice, that you see. You see that to pain you are nothing… you are nothing… nothing at all.

 

The cycle starts again…

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