December 27th 2016
Hmm. This morning I woke up still feeling terrible for asking Obs for more even after she already expressed her deepest feelings and emotions through her personalized handmade gift and letter to me just the day before. It just felt so bad. What more could I even ask for? Why did I ask for more? Yesterday I quickly wrote about the event, and then went off to study. It was my way then, of retreating from the world and did an activity I felt safe and comfortable in doing.
I gave her my deepest apologies through email and she quickly forgave me shortly afterwards. Yet I couldn’t help myself but apologize again this morning. I found her post, read it, and then commented my thoughts and included another apology.
The song ‘Last Christmas’ played through my head:
“Last Christmas, I gave you my heart but the very next day you gave it away”
I felt like I did something like that this Christmas XD. I think I did terrible this year but I’m really looking forward to more Christmas’ together with Obs so I can show her that I can do a much better job.
Anyway, I closed my FB account back in October of this year. I had a lot of friends on there, so some of them were bound to message me again looking for me months down the road. My friend Person apparently emailed me last night at 12 AM so I saw her message this morning shortly after waking up. She said she lost her phone and tried contacting me on Instagram, I didn’t show up on FB, so she was wondering if I blocked her and was now avoiding her.
I didn’t know what to say, so I held off replying until tonight. I replied back just a few minutes ago. I told her I wasn’t trying to avoid her or anything, I closed my FB because it was distracting, and gave her my number in case she wanted to get in touch again.
I don’t know. I feel like I’ve abandoned a lot of people by closing FB. So many friendships made. So many friendships cut off. People who want to get in touch with me probably wouldn’t be able to because my FB is closed. Most people who know me don’t have my number, but they have my FB. Yet how can I receive any messages if there is no account for me to receive messages with?
I went to work and it was the most relaxing day. I didn’t have any need whatsoever to go into the quiet room to lie down, which is rare because I go in there to lie down almost daily. I wasn’t feeling overwhelmed by anything at work today, yet I still went in to lie down for a while.
I got the news that Carrie Fisher died before most people in the office, so I posted it in one of the main Slack channels and got a lot of responses right away. Her death is so depressing. Fuck. It touched me even more deeply because this weekend after receiving the news that she was in the hospital, I did some research on Carrie Fisher and I looked at her old pictures from when she was younger, this was back in the 1980s. That wasn’t even that long ago, it was only 36 years ago meaning she was around 24 at the time the photos were taken. Holy shit, that’s around my age.
Time goes by fast. Life ends before you realize it. Never waste a second.
Yet here I am wasting seconds. Carrie Fisher’s passing. There goes a life, and life goes on. It’s part of the process. We live, then we die. Yet when we die, it’s as if we had never lived. So in reality, life is all an illusion because everything we have to come to realize disappears in our deaths. In our deaths, our lives never existed. In our deaths, nothing that we can observe or experience while alive has ever existed.
Where is Carrie Fisher now? In Limbo? Does she realize where she has gone? Is there really just nothingness upon our deaths? Millions of animals are slaughtered a day. I’m not going to question that they are every bit as conscious and aware of their life and surroundings as we are, because I believe that. Where do they go upon their deaths? Limbo? Are they still in their animal form?
All I know is that life is too short. Ask me about my teenage years and to me they have gone by too fast. Gone in the blink of an eye. Ask an 80+ year old about how quickly their life has passed right before them, and they’ll describe life as sand quickly slipping through the cracks of their fingertips. As a life ends, another begins. Carrie Fisher’s life ended today. May she and may we all rest in peace.
Selfie for the day