I’ve been given a task.  One that I admit was always a horrible one for me.  He wants to know my turn ons.  The problem is I’m honestly not sure of what those might be anymore.  

Have you ever seen the movie the runaway bride? When all of her previous boyfriends were asked “how does she like her eggs?” They all immediately replied the same as him,  the catch being each guy liked his eggs done adifferent way.  After meeting this man I wondered if I’m not that girl.  I have run from anyone I’ve ever gotten close to.  But more importantly I seem to live like a chameleon.  The sadist made me enjoy pain….or did he? After that relationship ended and I found myself with another,  I would cringe if his fingers came anywhere near my breasts.  For my existence in that relationship I went to a place in my mind that shut everything happening down.  I’m sure abused people are familiar with that place.  But I will never say I was abused.  I chose to stay.  I accepted what he did to me.  Moving on,  the previous as I said earlier was really into swinging.  I found myself finding a way to enjoy being a slut.  

Once again now that ended I find myself repulsed at things I did to please him.  So now I have this guy that really wants to know me and not just sex but me….and I’m terrified I don’t know who that is.  

I know I have had a lot of experience in the lifestyle.  But, needs change. Wants and desires change.  And I don’t know if I can answer the simple question he has asked me.  Sure I can go over one of those check lists and say…candle wax..oh I loved it.  That was over ten years ago and compared to the ball stuffed inside me that truly feared I was going to have to go to the hospital to get it removed,  it was great.  It was fun.  

Where I am now…well I don’t know where I am now.  I wonder if I jumped into this to quickly before I had a chance to learn the things I actually like.  

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