An example of Jekyll: determined in his rookie year of sales to be in the top 5 of the country, an accomplishment even the best would find hard to achieve. He did it flawlessly, I couldn’t be more proud.
An example of Husband: Mostly every day since the day I met him he made a point of letting me know in some way or form I’m beautiful, wanted and that his attraction would never end. In particularly he did this while I was pregnant and at a time my 110lb body swelled and changed me into discomfort. Even when mad at me, even in days of silence he found a way to send this message.
An example of Hyde: Not long before separation the three of us were hanging out just like a regular family not knowing a bomb was about to blow up our lives in just a few weeks. Hyde and I were having very casual conversation and seemingly friendly banter, I was expressing my fear of having an upcoming gallbladder surgery and in a lighthearted way said I’m scared to be put out in fear of not waking up. He paused for less than 10 seconds in thought and then blurted out “If you died, I definitely would remarry but I wouldn’t have kids with anyone else”. Maybe I’m over sensitive, maybe I should see the underhanded compliment that he doesn’t want to have kids with anyone else, but I don’t – oh it’s stinging bad to absorb what he just said. He was able to rationalize life with me dead in less than 10 seconds and make a plan for how he would carry on with someone else, not to mention did not ease my fears at all about surgery. That’s where I’m different I guess, I couldn’t and still can’t imagine life without him.
The baby is asleep and I’m sitting at the dining room table alone, in silence and near darkness. I remember when we bought this oversized table that seats eight, we were excited and ready to move into our dream house. We needed a table the would accommodate both our families as we would be hosting Christmas that year. Husband was beaming with excitement and possibility and I was feeling a sense of togetherness and being content – we were probably at our happiest then, engaged but not yet married.
I lay my head in my crossed arms and I’m thinking back to this past Saturday. Initially we had a brief adjournment to accommodate time for my lawyer to prepare my arguments and a bandaid supervised access proposal was put in place, though it was only a week, it was a week of hell. After the urgent motion the judge did not indicate terms of access while we waited for her written decision so last Saturday, the day after the urgent motion I asked Husband if he wanted to meet the baby and I for lunch. He agreed and I stressed there was no time limit. I had no motives in doing so other than just to be kind. We met, and while there was a slight awkwardness it didn’t feel uncomfortable. He read the menu to me while I fed the baby and I almost cracked him when I start joking about his lawyers nervousness, he was holding back laughter – but I get it, she’s his paid advocate and he has to have her back. The visit was almost normal, we took turns feeding our son and ate our lunch ….but he only stayed 50 minutes and was in a hurry to leave.
My eyes are dry and sore. I’ve cried a thousand tears today but I shouldn’t have. I should be happy. His motion collapsed in the sense that the ruling was far from his original position of taking our son away completely, but it didn’t collapse in the sense that he drastically changed his position at the last minute and offered to settle with two overnight visits a week and a few hours on the weekend (I rejected it). The judge ruled that four days of the week he gets unsupervised access for an hour and half each visit, and one weekend day for five hours. No overnights, and a number of conditions. No alcohol 12 hours prior to access, the visit is to be at the home, we are only to communicate twice a day through email. These are just some of the conditions. Most importantly the judge decided enough evidence existed the Husband could have a drinking problem and that I’m not crazy. She did however scold me several times for my mouthiness in heated situations as Husbands lawyer was able to highlight.
Upon reading this ruling this evening I became unglued, and not because of the ruling itself but perhaps as a first step in acceptance that we are really over. I vomited a heart wrenching plea in email form to both families stating I did not want to carry on this way, this is not in our sons best interest and I needed their support in bringing us all back together. As expected Husband and his family stayed silent and I’m instantly annoyed with myself for giving them the benefit of the doubt as his parents are the same people that attempted to intervene on my marriage, intervene with my own family and now they were intervening on my relationship with my son.
The real reason that I instinctively attempted to reconcile this is because I am pregnant, I found out yesterday. Conception date of just 11-12 days prior to separation. I’m scared but happy, a little concerned that it’s a very faint positive but still happy. Inside I was longing to be pregnant again prior to separation and expand this family, as much as I hated pregnancy the first time.
I would love to think that the hard part is over, but this is far from over. The judge granted Husband permission to bring his motion forward again if access terms “aren’t resolved” by the end of the year. Since he will barely acknowledge me it’s very unlikely it’s possible to get anything resolved.
Up Next: Day 37 – He Won’t Take Down the Wedding Pictures