I’m feeling quite sad this evening. It’s not a major depressive episode it’s just a feeling of sadness brought on by loneliness.
I crave the comfort of having a mans arms wrapped around me. That beautiful feeling of security, the warmth of feeling wanted.
I spend a lot of time on my own, in the day I feel ok. Today I went out for lunch alone and treated myself to a lovely Thai massage. It’s the evening when loneliness hits me. I feel lost in my own thoughts, dwelling on the past and worrying about the future.
I am constantly dwelling on past relationships or flings. Wishing I had done or said different things. Taumenting myself telling myself that I was never good enough.
I have always felt inadequate, I care too much, I am easily offended and put other people’s needs before my own.
This year I am really going to focus on developing myself. I need to brace myself, there is bound to be many lonely nights. I must learn to occupy myself when loneliness strikes and not become a yoyo bouncing into the arms of any old guy who clicks his fingers at me.
I tend to attract men who are harmful to my mental state. I know that I am an attractive girl, I know this because people often tell me so. Sometimes I look in the mirror and can see that I am pretty but the majority of the time all I can do is obsess with my faults. I’m completely obsessed with improving my appearance. I have never felt beautiful. My self esteem is incredibly low.
I know that if I want to find a bloke who treats me with the respect I deserve then I must learn to respect myself. I need to value myself and prioritise myself.
I aim to do this by preoccupying myself with a string of hobbies. This way I will no longer be empty and lonely and hold a man responsible for my happiness.
I need to focus on myself.
I need to begin to enjoy life and develop passions.
I will not give a man the power to control my life or be responsible for my happiness.
I am in cotrol of myself, my future and my own happiness.