Feeling alone

I’m feeling quite sad this evening.  It’s not a major depressive episode it’s just a feeling of sadness brought on by loneliness.

I crave the comfort of having a mans arms wrapped around me.  That beautiful feeling of security, the warmth of feeling wanted.  

I spend a lot of time on my own, in the day I feel ok.  Today I went out for lunch alone and treated myself to a lovely Thai massage.  It’s the evening when loneliness hits me.  I feel lost in my own thoughts, dwelling on the past and worrying about the future.

I am constantly dwelling on past relationships or flings.  Wishing I had done or said different things.  Taumenting myself telling myself that I was never good enough.

I have always felt inadequate,  I care too much, I am easily offended and put other people’s needs before my own.

This year I am really going to focus on developing myself.  I need to brace myself, there is bound to be many lonely nights.  I must learn to occupy myself when loneliness strikes and not become a yoyo bouncing into the arms of any old guy who clicks his fingers at me.

I tend to attract men who are harmful to my mental state.  I know that I am an attractive girl, I know this because people often tell me so.  Sometimes I look in the mirror and can see that I am pretty but the majority of the time all I can do is obsess with my faults.  I’m completely obsessed with improving my appearance.  I have never felt beautiful.  My self esteem is incredibly low.

I know that if I want to find a bloke who treats me with the respect I deserve then I must learn to respect myself.  I need to value myself and prioritise myself.  

I aim to do this by preoccupying myself with a string of hobbies.  This way I will no longer be empty and lonely and hold a man responsible for my happiness.

I need to focus on myself.

I need to begin to enjoy life and develop passions.

I will not give a man the power to control my life or be responsible for my happiness.

I am in cotrol of myself, my future and my own happiness.




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