Unsure

I really wish that I could be one of those women who spend their lives focused on getting married and starting a family. But I’m not. I mean, if it were to happen, it will happen.

We finally found a venue for the wedding. I have 2 weeks to figure out if I want to go ahead and put down a nonrefundable deposit on the place. I really love the man. Out of all the men I’ve gone out with, he is the one that gets me the most. But marriage is so uncertain. Is it normal to feel that on the one hand you want to go through with the wedding and see where life takes you while on the other hand so much uncertainty is driving me nuts. 

I specifically went for a business degree and am in the accounting field because it’s exact. Every decimal point and every comma have to be in the exact place. I’ve spent the last 30 so years of my life planning everything only to have my family f* it up. I mean I get life is unpredictable but it would still be nice to have some predictability. Even if I were to just remain single with my own place, who’s to say that my quiet existence won’t get thrown a curveball? I can plan to save up and buy a house somewhere with a lower population than where I am now. But even that isn’t guaranteed to last until I die. I can always lose my job and not be able to afford the house anymore. I can get sick without anyone to organize care for me.

On the other hand, it would be nice to come home with dinner already made. Someone to talk to or go to places with. Perhaps maybe even a little mini me running around someday. I do love him and can see myself with him 5 or 10 years later.

Damn it, everything else is so black and white for me but this baffles me. For once, I just want to leap without looking and see where life takes me. I’m tired to being the responsible and logical person. Obviously that hasn’t served me well so far since I’m still questioning the uncertainity.

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