Blessed Be , just breath

My 1st entry: Dec 30, 2016 DAY AFTER DX 

well… It’s been a rough day! I told myself I was going to be strong and stay positive, but after today its going to be rough! Earlier I received a phone call from my sis Joey in AZ with some disturbing new about my aunt, she was diagnosed with Cancer 2 weeks ago (Dec 15, 2016) and today Dec 29, 2016 she may not make it through the day.  Wow! is all I can say right now, this aunt was a good lady person, when I was younger she took care of me when I was away from my parents in the summer time, she was a tough aunt, disciplinary and made sure I was well behaved, so hearing that she was going to die made me sad.  I not only felt sad, I felt a dread, a lonely feeling.  I think this feeling came to me because of my recent medical issues, wow a whole other chapter in my crazy life.  Where to start?

I guess we could start with when I was DX with Lupus, that was blow, having to face the fact that I wasn’t going to feel better again, and I wasn’t going to “Get well soon” so to say! So I faced the truth and moved on, living with this nagging annoying pain, waking up every day with heavy, tired bones, aching muscles, a tired feeling that will never go away! Restless nights when you can’t sleep, with so many things going through your mind, enough to drive a normal person INSANE!! I think I’m not normal, normal for me is seeing myself be like everyone else, which there is no way, no way I want to be like everyone else, which is why I told myself… Self, you will FIGHT, you will wake up every day, make your tired body move, put the pain aside and LIVE, not only for yourself, but for other like you!! I know I always put my family first, but in order for me to function I have to put myself 1st.  Now with recent issues and changes in my health, I’m faced with the dread of the BIG-C, yep Cancer…. WTF is cancer anyway? What the hell does it really mean? Is it just a type of infection that really has no name? Is it something that we do to ourselves? Is it a product of all the past things we’ve done, good or bad? and Why only affect certain ones? Why after all these years, and all this research, all the new technology, the new medical breakthroughs there is still Cancer?  I don’t get it.

It started as a tiny lump, small enough that when I first noticed it, I thought, “humm, feels like a pea, a little ball” then as time went on the Pea turned into a nut size ball, then another one popped up, still I ignored it, I even thought, “hum I wonder if its worth telling the Dr?” I even showed my sis, and blew it off again! Then it the 2 bumps turned to 4 lumps all nested on the inner side of my right ankle, nice and cozy, sticking out like ugly little heads, The Alien Lump I called it, how ironic I teased about it being a tumor, making the Arnold voice and laughing about it! now 8 months later the alien lump has a name… a fucked up name, a stupid name!! Malignant mass tumor!!

Wow! I know sometimes I always wondered what I would do if one day after having a mammogram I would here the words Malignant mass in my breast.  I only thought I would hear those word because Mom had breast cancer, she was only 34 at the time, and she fought and won! Now I think  back to when I seen her go through radiation, and Chemo, and having to have surgery after surgery to get better and I wonder what went through her mind? What did she do to get through the stress of all that, I wish she was here to help me face this, but she’s never going to be here again, she is never going to hug me and tell me I will be okay, so I will remember her strength and remember her braveness and BE LIKE HER!! 

So I sit here facing the fact that I will have to be strong, be brave and get this Malignant mass…. Malignant mass… dam those words are ugly!! We joked and called it The Alien lump, with teeth and spinal cord.  Then we joked and called it Loony Larry after the type of mass. I sometimes joke around to much because I love to laugh, I love to be happy so I joke! But in all reality the Alien Loony Larry is coming out, then its going to get cut up, and examined, then given a new name and a new type, then when its all out of my body, I will do my best to heal!! Fight like a girl, fight like my mom!! Fight for my body back, and make it mine again, not some stupid ugly Mass, some cancerous mass that has invaded my body without my permission!! Invaded my body because I have the strength and the will to beat the shit out of it!! For ME!! For my BOYS!! For my Sister!! FOR ME!!!XOXO

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