What has happened to me?

I’ve found myself asking this this a lot today.  What has happened to me?  I think if you were to go and ask my previous dominants they would tell you that although I might have been a slave in the bedroom beyond that you pretty much left me to my vices.  Yes I tried to keep a clean house when asked (as I didn’t live with them). And yes occasionally I cooked a few times.  I dabbled in the domestic service.  But when it came to my life and my life choices I was beyond reproach.  Stubborn would be putting it lightly.  

Also,  I found early on that trying to do an online relationship never worked for me.  I lacked the discipline needed to to follow through. Even with my previous which I was deeply committed to,  I skimmed through things at times.  Mostly though it was because I could tell when he gave me a task just to have me do something versus a task he wanted for me or himself.  Like cutting back smoking.  He gave the task,  but it was easy to see it was done just because I said I really wanted to cut back.  He didn’t care if I did or not and it showed and therefore I didn’t care if I stayed within the limits.  

I’ve been saying repeatedly from the first day I met this man that I’m in a whole new world.  The fact that he isn’t close by to see on a regular basis might be the reason but it seems more just his nature that he’s taking control of every aspect of me.  My smoking,  my caffeine (specifically my Pepsi), my diet,  even having a major input in my education and job.  

So how am I handling this? When I got an email this morning saying no Pepsi I wanted to use every trick in my arsenal to make him take that back.  But here’s the thing.  He’s not taking away my Pepsi just because he can.  He’s doing it to help me reach a goal I want for myself.  Nothing that he’s doing is merely an issue of what he can do or even what he wants for himself alone.  He takes great thought into both and my desires and puts a great effort into things he decides.  

So after getting my things done, despite the bitter winds today I found myself taking that walk as ordered by him.  When I really wanted to reach for a Pepsi today,  I grabbed a bottle of water instead.  And yes,  I did have a can of Pepsi after I finished all my work today and it was quite a busy day.  I will tell him about it and the fact that I also cheated with a little bowl of ice cream.  If he chooses to punish me I will understand because his choices for me are for my own good.  

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