My thoughts and perspective on myself, and on life

I’m really, really, really dumb. Like I’m fucking retarded. I need Google maps to drive anywhere new. People talk to me like I’m 10. I have crippling social anxiety and can barely hold a conversation. I never date, and don’t consider it seriously. My grades are sub par. I was homeschooled the better part of my childhood. I’m not saying my childhood was bad, but I wouldn’t wish it upon anybody. Imagine yourself going into a dim lit basement room, and sitting in a chair facing a corner for an hour. That’s how uneventful my childhood was. I’ve always been the sucker in every friendship I had. I suck at every video game I play. It took me over 8 hours to beat Portal 2. One time I bought senior citizen movie tickets for me and my brother. I wasn’t ever diagnosed as autistic when I was a kid, but I’m more unable to function than some autistic people I’ve met. My parents never took me to a doctor because they are faith healers, which gives you an idea of my predisposed intelligence. My whole teenage life I thought I was smarter than I actually was, but I’m the but end of jokes. 

I’m slow, but at least I don’t drive to fast. I’m rational, calm, reasonable, and nice to be around. I don’t shit on other people behind their back, and forgive them when they do it to me, because I understand that impulse. I believe that most people are duplicitous, but it doesn’t bother me anymore because I’ve found myself. I know what I’m good at, and I don’t claim to be smart anymore. I don’t talk much unless I need to. I have a strong work ethic, and I don’t care for fancy things. I take good care of myself, and exercise every day. People tell me I have an insane amount of self control. I’m a black belt in Tae Kwon Do. I spend all of my time listening to/playing music, and I’m taking up drawing right now. Strangely enough, I can actually have a conversation about music, I listen to every genre and people tell me I have good taste. I vent my frustration through art and writing. I can Identify a smart person when I see one (Elon Musk, Milo Yiannopoulos, Richard Dawkins). I don’t believe things I can’t know for sure, and don’t let things go to my head. I’m not an ideologue. I keep up on politics and news when I can, but I don’t vote. I don’t get offended by what people say, instead I appreciate the new perspective, and laugh with the trolls, because who gives a fuck? Life is funny. There are people I don’t like, but mostly I only hate hate. Like not “hate speech” or the sarcastic trolling that this app is ridden with. Like actual, genuine hatred that infests ideologues like Muslims.

When I became an adult, I realized that life is all mental. Every sense, every feeling, every person. All of my fears and anxiety… It’s all information; ones and zeroes. Some things are consistent, but nobody is sincere. Ultimately, everything I will experience in the future will take place in my mind, therefore, it’s safe to say that it exists somewhere in a hidden faculty in my mind already. Discovering this reality and moving about this world is quite literally meditation. I don’t live in a big bad world, a big bad world lives inside me. (Maybe reality as I perceive it really does exist, but I can’t know that for sure.) Books that I have yet to read, places that I have yet to see, people that I have yet to meet, they are inside of my mind already. Finding the world around me is finding the world inside me, I’m constantly finding myself. Everything exists and happens just for me, even though sometimes events are unfavorable and unforgiving. This calls upon me to comprehend and appreciate everything exactly and completely. Read every book, go to every place, and meet every person in order to simply understand myself more.

Basically, I have to live in my mind every second of every day, and what I do in that mind is ultimately up to me.

One thought on “My thoughts and perspective on myself, and on life”

  1. You’re not dumb, slow, or retarded. I use google maps, lots of people use google maps. I have anxiety too..
    “I don’t live in a big bad world, a big bad world lives inside me.” That was kind of cool, that describes how I feel 99% of the time. Thanks for sharing.
    Hey APerson, things will get better soon. keep doing what you’re doing.

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