December 31, 2016
Alot to say. Where to even start… Well I haven’t been able to really accept this untill now. My mother has stage 3 liver cirosis non alcoholic. She told me before Christmas but I’ve been just trying to push it back because my father will take care of her. Now I find out yesterday my father told me he has leukemia. I don’t even know how to respond. Now what’s supposed to happen they either support and take care of each other or one suffers to take care of the other. I am not there to take care of them. Plus to find this out right during the holiday and during. Being an only child I feel responsible for them but I can’t do everything I feel I need to.
Now it’s New Year’s Eve and I sit alone at home. So lonely. My husband just left to hang out with friends and I know he will try to come back with them so I am not alone but I’m just the wife. The wife who has no one to spend New Year’s Eve with. I sat here with him for a little bit. Playing videos games thinking he would want to join. He didn’t. I go over to see what he was doing on his iPad. I see him on Facebook looking at picture of his ex girlfriend. Sure I shouldn’t be bothered, it probably just popped up on his newsfeed but I am. He scrolled fast hoping I didn’t see I think but unspokenly we both know I did. I sit here feeling insecure, pathetic, alone and just isolated.
As much as I have support and people in my life, I am very angry and isolated. I am angry about how life is going and mask it with a smile. I am pissed off on how insecure I am and hide it by saying I’m okay. I’m so angry. I have no one to share this news with. I have no one to vent or talk to. I talk to him and I know he tries to be supportive about my family but all he says is “I am here for you, I’ll never leave I love your family” with how I feel it doesn’t make me feel any better. He needs to say “what can I do to help you? What is somthing you need? Do you want to talk about it?” Anything besides “I am not going to leave you…” Like hopefully! That would be a shitty move but who knows maybe he likes those pictures…