Really haven’t written much about this in a long time. Haven’t been on my mind much. Kind of just lived my life through with it just hanging on the sideline, just finding a way to live without triggering my anxiety.
It could be worse, but as far as I know, what I’m struggeling with is bad aswell. It’s not exacly as big as not having the courage to talk to anyone at all, or not having courage to go out of the house. No, not like that. It’s more like not having the courage to stand at the cashier desk buying stuff myself, which I fixed by always having a friend do that for me. I’m very lucky since my friends are really understandable and don’t have a problem with that. Another common thing is that I can’t take the buss. Or, im not scared of sitting in the bus. I actually find travelling like that quite fun (weird iknow, whatever). I just cant do it alone, someone else has to take my money and pay for me at the front. And if i get past the front, ill have too much anxiety that I might miss my stop at the buss. So the one time i took the bus, i pressed far from my final destination just so i dont emberass myself (in some way).
Also, if theres one thing that I’m really good at. Disappearing without a trace. Doesn’t happen much anymore since I got two friends that I’m literally glued to. At birthday parties youll probably find me sitting outside listening to music (which is why i dont go to birthday parties anymore, only if im being forced). I’ve also come to the point of missing alot of classes for some reason, but also teachers never comment on it. Weird.
ANYWAYSSS, the reason why I brought this up again. I’m not struggeling with it at the moment, no hard thoughts. I just started thinking about the future. What if im like this forever? So stubborn. If i want my dreams to come true, or live a life of my own, then I cant keep avoiding every encounter that i find scary. What about the day I start dating? What if, ill just freak my date out by avoiding everything like restaurants, going to stores or public transports? I’ll probably be moving toooo fast for them if i ask them to do all that kind of stuff for me. Ahh, damnit. Or what about the day I start living on my own? And ill just have to order every single thing online because I cant go to the store on my own? Ill end up being that strange woman never leaving her house? What a strange thought.