It is probably cliché to say ”New year, new me” and say ”things are going to change this year”. Everyone is guilty of saying it, myself included. As we break in the new year, I have spent time reflecting on myself, how I have reacted to things, my behaviour and my actions towards situations. Sure, I could have handled certain situations differently, we are all human, and we all make mistakes. The only way to change ourselves, is to make actions, they speak louder than any words. I have a scripted tattoo across my chest that says ‘Actions speak louder than words”, it is true. What you do is what people believe, words are easily said, and easier to ignore. You cannot ignore actions, or take them back, once they are done, they are done. It is up to us to decide what actions to take, and how we choose to make them.
This past year has been a roller coaster of emotions, of all kinds. There isn’t an emotion I haven’t felt the past year that I don’t already know of.
This particular part of my journal is about how I deal with emotions, how I react to certain emotions etc. I have never been one to express emotions; I have built a very thick barrier that is hard to break. Me and emotions are a collision that can be good, or bad. I think that is generally a human trait in everyone, everyone has the basic human right to feel how they feel. And not everyone is the same, people react differently to different things.
I find emotions a bit tricky, I used to be a very short fuse when it came to feeling certain emotions. Reason being, I never used to understand why I felt a certain way, I tried my best to understand, to find answers, but I always had a blank page.
Past relationships have made me numb to emotions, but I am trying to allow myself to feel emotions and accept them again. For me relationships have to be based on three foundations; Trust, Honesty and faithfulness, if one of those foundations break, it isn’t going to work, at all. Trust is an important thing for me, I have a VERY high barrier with trust. Trust is like a broken mirror, you can always try and fix it, but you will always see the cracks, Meaning, when you have broken someone’s trust, it will never be the same again, just like a reflection in a broken mirror, it will never be the same again either. Honesty is a must with me, if you can’t be honest with me, then you serve no purpose in my life whatsoever. I would rather someone be straight-up and honest than create lies just to save face or because it is because it is something that ‘someone” wants to hear. I really dislike that, it is two-faced and fake, two things I don’t associate myself with. Faithfulness is key; cheating is cheating, end of. And if someone cheats on me, I will walk away with no hesitation and no regret. If you want to sleep about, then be single and have your fun. Granted, there are sexualities that allow you to have more than one partner, that is different. Polyamory is the practice of, or desire for, intimate relationships where individuals may have more than one partner, with the knowledge and consent of all partners. That is the difference between cheating and polyamory, don’t get the two mixed up.
…Now, as you can read, my topic of conversation is expanding on to various subjects, so I m just letting my mind type what it thinks and wants to say. It wouldn’t be journal else, right? Anyway…As I was saying…
People have always asked me, ”What do you class yourself as? Are you gay, straight, bi?..”. Some people seem to ”assume” that because I have changed my gender, that I have had some sort of brain transplant and morphed into someone else. My body has changed, I am still the same person, I still have the same mind. ”But you can’t be the same person…”. Let me just say, I still have the same mind and personality, gender and sexuality are two completely different subjects, and ARE NOT the same. Who a person is, and who they choose to like, be or whatever, totally different. That is where people’s ignorance comes from; The amount of times I have sat down with people and explained this is unreal. I believe the way to deal with ignorance is to educate people. If they don’t know, they will never know.
Sexuality has always been one of confusion for me; In the past, and throughout transition, I have always questioned myself in terms of my sexuality; I’ve never really had a definitive answer, and it has made me hostile at times because I have wanted to know for definite. I don’t like labelling people, we are human beings, we are allowed to be who we want to be without ridicule or small minds. I have a preference, and that is not saying I am bisexual or ”in-between”, like I say, I don’t like labels, and I am as open-minded as the next person. We like who we like, doesn’t matter what your gender is, people love people, simple as that. So, I hope that has answered the mystery for you (Note: I am sarcastic 99% of the time, you will get that a lot, if you haven’t already)
I have been typing this journal for the best part of an hour, not realising the time ,so I will take a break and type something up later on no doubt. I have lost my typing mojo HA!
Speak to you all soon ”;