I quit

Some heavy thoughts on my mind. I’ve been stuck at home with this boot over my fractured foot. It isn’t really fun to constantly be home 24-7 because it’s hard to walk around. 

Recently, the totality of my mind returned to me (I had a TIA last year and things were fuzzy a while) anyhow, this means my skills as well returned. One of my knowledge bases is IT – in the 90’s I used to hack my friends computer, and them me as forms of practice. She’d say “we have to know this shit in case we have to catch our men in a lie” she was more paranoid than myself, and rightly so. Her husband was cheating on her, and not only that, streaming some real fucked up porn. 

Over time I continued to build my skill sets to stay up with technology. I learned some real interesting tricks of the trade, not hacking persay, but website design, c++ programming, and some other fun stuff. 

Lately, I have noticed that my fiance has spent some great length of time on his computer at night. At first, I wondered if he had a new email pal or some kind of weird contact of that sort. I wanted to be naive and let the thought pass, but he’s really racking up time spent at his computer. 

So tonight while he’s gone at work, I put my old school hack knowledge to work and figured out the password to his computer. It took 4 tries before I cracked it. Seems like I haven’t lost my touch. At face level, the computer seems normal. His email opens and there’s nothing there. I check the deleted folders, the sent folders, the spam, and nothing. Just your basic bullshit mail we all get from wherever.

So I open up the Google Chrome Web browser and check the history. At first, redundant harmless pages are at the top. The pages where one pays bills or reads news. But this still doesn’t explain all the time spent on the computer. So, I scroll down a little bit. After a minute or less of scrolling, it then appears. Porn sites. Porn chat rooms, voyeur shit, new teen videos. What. The. Fuck. 

So I think to myself, why is he lying to me and hiding this from me? Am I not good enough to be told this truth? My face turns beat red in fury. Then I try not to overreact. I try to tell myself that he just had pop ups right? Wrong … the whole history is fucking littered with this pornography site dilemma. 

So, I slide out of the computer chair and back into mine and start bawling. This guy who I thought I knew well is secretly watching porn all the fucking time and hiding it from me. So now I think, what else is he hiding? Is there other women? Should I be worried? Should I ask him about this? What do I do with this? How do I fucking trust him now? Why wouldn’t he watch it with me and try those things with me? Why am I never good enough for the fucking man I  my life to be open and real with me! 

Oh my God I’m sick to my gut with this. Meanwhile, last night I tell him that friends wanted to take me out to celebrate the new year while he was at work and he said some crazy shit about them wanting a 3 some with or or that they are trying to get me laid. This baffles me greatly because I haven’t done a thing to cause him to talk this way to me but! That fucking psychology knowledge comes into play. He’s saying that shit because it’s shit he would do himself … the guilty party always accuses. 

I think it’s time I pack my bags. I’m losing my trust more and more ad common sense comes to me.

Fuck it, I’m giving up. I tried and failed.

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