Looking Into The Eyes Of My Sanity ..
I met G seven years ago on a dating site .. I’d only just joined and then something happened at home, dating became the last thing on my mind and within six weeks of joining I deleted my profile but not before exchanging some light hearted messages with G, he dared me to phone him and only had to ask twice before giving in I accepted the challenge. We got on so well but still I was unsure with the chaos going on around me at home. He’d send me funny ecards, words to warm the heart, share song files and there was always this under-current, a spark, we bounced off each other like two peas in a pod. He asked if he was getting under my skin until frustratingly I agreed to meet on a lovely summer’s evening. I was so nervous and he sensed it but as evening wore on the nerves settled, the banter returned, we ended up play fighting, flushed and playfully exhausted I looked at him, he looked just like the lion of his zodiac sign, wild with big brown eyes, I was taken aback with the passion I could see.
The following day he phoned asking me how I was feeling, sharing his own with reassurance, that was it, I was filled with a warmth which melted my heart.
Still the chaos at home was spiraling out of control, I was at my wit’s end trying to find a solution and there was G in the background picking me up, dusting me off, stopping me from going completely nuts but it was difficult to make a commitment, we snatched evenings together and many more apart until after eighteen months we came to a stand-still and communications stopped.
Time passed, things settled down at home, I would hear from G from time to time with the odd new year’s message. A couple of years went by, I was in a new relationship before I was to hear from G again catching up briefly one evening on MSN. The next time I heard from G I was upset having argued with the guy I was with I told G. He eased the doubts I was having about myself, told me I needed a break, he was coming round and taking me out for the evening, he suddenly felt like my guardian angel all over again but my head was all over the place and it wasn’t long before I insisted he drop me back home. It wasn’t something he expected to hear and really he didn’t deserve my sudden abruptness so next time we spoke I refused to talk about the abusive relationship I had found myself in realising I had never thanked him for being there during my troubled times at home I admitted if it hadn’t been for him I would of gone nuts, I think he appreciated this, he always knew I meant what I said.
Last year for the first time, I contacted him, I wished him a Happy Birthday, he was surprised I even remembered. We spoke on the phone, he wanted to see me so we went for coffee and he shared what had been happening with him over the last year, listening I wished I could of been there for him at the time and my heart sunk. Looking at me he told me it was okay, I could smile and before long we were into our old ways of playful banter, it seemed to come so naturally, so easily but without the passion, just more of a kindred understanding for each other.
That night as he dropped me home, he caught hold of me and kissed me, he said thank you and once again looking into his eyes the world stood still just for a moment.
The following few days we chatted like we’d never been apart, this time I was ready to commit but he wasn’t, again he fell out of communicating, I found it quite ironic still being stalked with messages from my abuser I had left some nine months before and ignoring all his attempts to have me respond.
There’s nothing like coming out of an abusive relationship and taking the time to re-evaluate .. my life, my relationships, friends, family and passed love’s through the healing process it was like starting over, to embrace the positives but more so to release the toxic with a new found awareness and a certain acceptance.
G never argued, shouted or exchanged a cross word with me and I’m thankful for that, I’ve come to accept our story with a beginning, middle and end with no bitter after taste, it gives me a warm feeling of someone who came into my life at the beginning of one of my most trying times and through our experience shared, some insight on the end of another, this is why I will always believe G came into my life for a reason. I will hold that memory of that last kiss with the passion and the softness in his big brown eyes forever in my heart but still he will simply be the guy who stopped me going nuts and I hold that with respect.
I originally wrote this in April 2013 .. it was my ending to something special .. so what happens now on the end of 2016 into a brand new year when he is suddenly back in contact again ..