Today is Monday. I regret to inform you, dear reader, that I did not have a good day. I got my period; as you may imagine I’ve been in pain all day due to cramps. I’ve tried everything, bleeding out of my lady parts is not what made today so awful, it’s the emotional side effects it has on me.
I feel unloved at this time of the month. I feel unloved all the time really, but these days especially. I don’t feel very special to anyone ever; it heightens during these 7 days. I feel more unattractive these days. I feel uncomfortable these days. I don’t know why but the confidence I have is lowered severaly during said days.
I know I must be loved by someone, but I am always unsure of other people’s feelings. I feel if I make one small mistake, the person will lose total interest in me. I have self respect. I know I am not completely unattractive. I don’t know. I just feel like a mistake sometimes and all my emotions are at their highest peak while I am going through this literal hell.
I am 16 and I believe I found the guy I want forever. Please hold in your chuckles, dear reader, I know I am young. He makes me happy, and I am truly happy with him. I love him. I have had a boyfriend before, a pretty serious one. I clearly didn’t work out, for he made me feel worthless, and he abused me. I was with him for two years and finally worked up the strength to leave him a while ago. Due to the events with the two year guy, I struggle to open up. More so to the opposite sex. Just recently have I told the guy I want about the sexual harassment that occured when I was 5. Not even my best friends now about that. I don’t trust males easily, for many of them hurt me. My mom liked the kid that abused me, but not the guy who I think actually loves me. That’s another story for a whole new time, dear reader. Please let me know if you wish to hear about why she doesn’t.
The boy I love is so perfect, yet I feel as if it’s all a joke. Although, he tells me I’m best thing to ever happen to him and that he loves me. I trust him, but I am scared he’ll hurt me. Can you blame me?
These were the thoughts that ran through my head all day today. It’s the reason I am venting out to you at 12:21 in the morning. It’s the reason I can’t sleep. Th reason I am crying.
Why can’t I know forsure how the people I love feel? That’d make me less distance at this time of the month.
Anyways, thank you for allowing me to vent to you. I really need to quit overthinking things.