I guess I decided it would be better to start a journal, something to help me focus myself on what needs to be done without having my head filled with so many thoughts.
Winter break just ended for a lot of people, which I’m more sad about the Holiday’s ending, I never got to quite enjoy them this year. I am a bit anxious about the new school year, since soon I will be in 11th grade, almost graduating. I have no idea what I want to do in my life, rather, it seems I don’t have a passion for anything, which is the reason why it’s hard to think of a career that I won’t get bored of so easily.
I guess I’m also very excited though! Sort of, in a way. I’m excited to start a new year, excited to know what I will do years from now, or next year, next month, whatever day it may be. I am glad vacation is over, It’s hard having so much time to think and nothing to make you focus on something else for a while.
I’m not scared for what the future has to bring, rather, it feels as if time is going by so fast that I barely have time to catch up mentally or enjoy myself. I don’t have friends to share memorable moments with, and sometimes I wonder if I won’t even have a family one day when I am on my own. My mother sometimes says that she feels as if she wants to pack up her bags and leave in the middle of the night. She’s been depressed for the last six months, which I feel bad about. She’s been doing everything ever since the school year started and I didn’t have enough time to do anything else but what I usually do; dishes, laundry, cleaning up after myself.(I know, I’m horrible) I feel real bad sometimes. My father’s has lately been having mood-swings, barely giving me enough time to keep up with them. It feels like having to be careful about everything around him, even if he seems in a good mood. My mothers depression and father’s mood-swings have kept me on my toes constantly.
I don’t complain about my parents often, I really don’t have a right to. They take care of me, provide for me, and have raised me my entire life. I don’t mind having to be extra careful, just that my father’s mood-swings has made it almost impossible to feel comfortable around him. I’m not close with either of them, and I don’t feel the need to want a relationship with my father(too much work to have to read his moods). I’m fine with the distance between us, but it honestly feels as if he hates me at times, even-though he doesn’t. I’ve always felt that as long as everyone was okay with me, it was best to always stay at that distance from them, in order to maintain peace with them. I thought maybe keeping a distance from my parents would help it stay that way. I don’t get involved in what they do, and I can’t care as a result.(If I care about what they do or how they treat each other, then I become involved in something that is none of my business.)
I don’t talk with him, rarely, mostly because that’s always been hard. I have been talking to him more lately, but the other day he was in a bad mood and seemed upset that I don’t ever talk to him, even-though I have slowly been improving, maybe just not enough for him to notice or be happy about. The next day, he seemed happy again, and then he’s angry again, and then happy, it’s hard to keep up. I have started to avoid him because it’s confusing and overwhelming, I actually feel uncomfortable or fearful around him, afraid I will make a mistake for thinking he’s in a good mood one day or a bad mood another, mixing up the two.
I feel rather numb. I don’t think I treat my family wrong or disrespectfully. It’s hard having to start a new habit without a notice as well. Some days, he feels the need to have me develop a new habit. Maybe something that needs to be done around the house, Maybe improvements on the way I act or talk(I am quiet) , yet it’s hard to remind myself or start on my own when I don’t have their support. He tends to forget about it within a week. Lately it feels as if I’m being targeted, since no one picks on anyone else, which doesn’t make much sense. I know they don’t like how I act, how I behave, How I talk or think, but I have yet to find a reason why they keep me around, seeing as they haven’t reminded me what they like about me or what they believe is good about me. Lately I’ve been stressed(Studying over winter break, finals), for some reason I feel like I’m on the brink of panic at times.I just want peace with them, I don’t care about anything else.
Maybe I’m complaining too much than usual. Maybe I am just not the best I could be. I don’t understand what I am doing wrong, what I need to change. It’s too much honestly.