Looking back at my initial, emotionally fueled reaction yesterday, I am actually ashamed of myself. I’ve never reacted out of emotion like that, and I know that in order to cleanse myself, I need to get it out of my system.
After writing that entry, I spent a great amount of time in a more rational space in my mind where I could process logical thought.
What are the facts: Yes. I figured out that my fiance was secretly watching porn on his computer. When I first discovered it, I felt my heart plunge and my face turn beat red. Did this make my mind race into those uncomfortable places? Yes, it did. I considered that maybe he’s hiding more from me and the what was killing me. But, I found nothing that indicated that he was hiding anything at all outside of the few porn sites I found in his history bar.
Now: enter the logical and intelligent mind. The one that exists beyond the emotion. Lawyers will understand as will psychiatrists.
Once I retracted from bad thinking, and sat back to assess my thoughts, this occurred to me.
I, myself have watched porn alone and not only that, I have gone to “rate a rod” on many occasions to share my opinion on a guy’s penis size. From 1 to 10, you rate if his cock is small or big. Why did I do this? Simple. Fantasy, curiosity, and the desire to escape copious amounts of stress. It was that simple. I didn’t do it because I had a secret life or a desire to cheat or sleep around, but out of general curiosity alone, period.
Also, I wanted to learn ways on how to maximize my healthy sex life with the fiance and to keep him happy and pleased at all times. I am no expert at sexual encounters so what would it hurt if I took on a few lessons.
So I thought about how stressful life has been here. Right now I am going through school and my fiance’s income is the only income coming in. I’ve been limited due to the cast and that isn’t helping the stress. He has been driving her to school as of late, and he doesn’t leave work until 12:30 in the morning. Also, his mother causes him stress over some of the stuff she’s going through health wise as well as other situations such as dealing with me when the abusive ex is violating court orders.
Life itself is a heaping ball of stress and it doesn’t give in for anything at all, ever. Life is what you make it, yes. But, bills come in and needs occur like food right, and maintenance like snow removal or if something breaks down. Life has a way of making us stressed. There’s also many healthy servings of mundane everyday where it’s eat, sleep, work, and miss sleep. This leaves little room for enjoyment elsewhere now doesn’t it.
Personally speaking, I need to go take a swim in fantasy lake as a means to surviving. Sometimes I live out fantasies while watching mysteries on television. I let my mind run amok trying to uncover the mystery myself and alas, I am no longer in the living room, but rather, out there in Egypt with Josh Gates on an expedition ‘unknown’ and viola! The mundane has gone away …
Porn for some men is exactly that. It’s a fantasy expedition they are taking to catch a break from reality and it’s stressful grip it holds on us.
Was it okay for me to hurt on an initial reaction? Sure. I would be a liar if I said it didn’t make me insecure because it obviously did. I wondered if I wasn’t performing good enough in the bedroom. I even wondered if I wasn’t pretty enough but if that was the case, then my fiance has some high standards. I am not bragging, don’t misunderstand, but when I go out, I turn heads and men forget how to be shy. I don’t even wear make up and this happens.
So is he really doing me wrong? My answer is no. He was simply escaping the grips of reality and embarking on his own fantasies while watching porn flicks. It is also safe to say that many people need visual assistance to do so because they’re not as sharp as they used to be or they have trouble visualizing in an imaginative fashion.
As for right now, I’m sat in my kitchen waiting for his return from work to have a very deep conversation with him about this and I suspect my ability to be calm about it will probably shock him. Most people react badly and out of emotion whereas I have learned long ago that the best strategy is one where intelligent conversation and consideration for why the other person has done something is put into action between two mature people.
Going at something like this on a single perception is a nail in the relationship coffin so I will gain something from this, which is deep respect and wisdom in its entirety.
Of course, I will update you with the end result.