Trial Separation

I told him not to call me until Feb. Limit communication to emails/text only for business matters and/or his child.  He thought I would just let him know about our child’s progress.  No.  You want to know, you ask. I can’t take the drama.  I told him that 3 weeks ago. I need a break as his decisions are destroying us.  I told him that too.  I can’t control his actions.  I can control if I pick up the phone or not.  If you love me and cherish me so much, why do you allow things and hurt me so badly?  And then put it on Yehovah?  You sew to the wind and reap the whirlwind.  May both of you reap what you have sewn.  I want no part of those fruits. I didn’t ask for it, I didn’t want it, yet you chose this and you can’t even begin to see how this has damaged me, broken me, yet you maintain that you “did the best you could” and it’s her fault because you believe that having more than one “wife” is right.  You have fulfilled Malachi 2:16 by doing what you are doing.  You have broken faith with me.  You’ve certainly broken my trust.  That may not have been the motive of your heart, but your actions speak differently.  Your actions have completely disregarded everything you have said.  So while I think of you often and want to contact you I’m not going to.  I will write here instead.  Perhaps several times per day if I need to.  I don’t want to “win.”  I want to not hurt, be provoked, deserted, deceived, or become bitter/angry/untrusting.  Duplicity is in your heart.  She is damaging you too.  Its the little foxes that spoil the vine.  Both of you got what you wanted at the expense of me.  I don’t regret what I’ve done or said. I’ve warned you about my emotional state, how one day you might find me unable to connect emotionally and physically with you…I hope you’re listening. Because life is really going to suck for you if you don’t.  I hope you realize that you are on dangerous ground right now, just as I was when I left to work.  I knew to tread carefully, not to step to the right or left but to stand and wait, to keep my mouth shut and eyes open.  And then one day I knew what to do, that I had to go back home.  I couldn’t birth and deny our child their father.  I told you that your relationship with your child is what you make of it.  I’m not going to force or demand anything of you.  But you.  YOU are choosing not to be present or involved.  YOU are choosing to be present and involved with your child with her.  YOU LEFT ME, you asshole. You left me high and dry, walked away from us and justified it by saying you took that job so you can “provide for me.”  Said you didn’t care what happened to the farm, that it was my turn to give it a go.  And for a week and a half, every time I called with a problem you said that you didn’t care what I did.  So I quit talking about it. You’ve been gone 3 weeks. only $70 has been “provided” for us.  You spend the rest of the money on hotels and give her money for your child with her, I assume.  Oh wait, you did buy me dinner.  I keep telling you what’s happening.  But because I don’t throw a fit, because I actually communicate like an adult and try not to attack you or play games, you don’t listen as well.  Or it doesn’t seem like it.   “how is it that you never notice, that you are slowly killing me?”

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