I hate being conflicted and torn. I feel like I’m not enough when I can’t seem to over come my fear and do what I is desired of me. This is both online and offline. As my job is hurting because I can’t over come my anxiety and do well enough for them. It’s just no matter what I do it never seems to be enough. It’s extreamly hard to be confident when you hear from every direction that your best isn’t good enough. When your accused of laziness when you’re fighting a war in your head everyday.A war that no one sees or hears. It takes it’s toll after a while having to fight your own mind everyday just to function. I have a few amazing people that are helpful. I keep wanting to say that I wish I had a mentor to help me with my submission when I do, I have more than one actually. I have four in a way. As I talk to four wonderful men who are each teaching me I am safe in my submission. Mckay Who I’ve known for 6 years and had the pleasure of rping with and serving for most of those years as a submissive/slave depending on my mood. We hit the pretty much no limits point and when I can shut up that voice that’s afraid it’s amazing. T, who meet me at a time when I was the most lost. Who showed me what it’s like to feel truly loved again. His warmth has stayed with me and helped me in the worst times. We’ve not known each other a year just yet but I trust him fully. It’s just a feeling I have. We’ve had our misunderstandings and I get the feeling that I feel more deeply for him than he does for me. But we make it work as friends because of that. He’s guided me well so far and I’m looking forward to seeing where we end up as time goes on. S, we met by chance and have talked off and on since. He’s also guided me at times and well. He’s grounded me when I’ve needed it just as Tiger has. Like Tiger as well he has a sub of his own so a collar isn’t in going to be given but I enjoy being with him and serving all the same. V, I was introduced to by C since I have issues talking to other subs or just females in general. They don’t seem to get me. My mind tends to work more like a males it seems. I know it sounds odd but that’s the way it seems to me. Vince has guided me quite a bit and helped me a lot as well. He’s helped me sort things out farther and been a very good friend.I don’t see him much anymore. But I’ve come to learn that each person I meet has a reason for being in my life, when that reason is done they move on along their own path which some times runs with mine and sometimes it does not.
I am still learning how to embrace myself completely as a submissive. I’m also working on embracing my sexuality instead of being ashamed of it. As I’ve had it used to humiliate me before. As I am a very private person and one of my exes used to talk about our sex life with his friends and even describe my o face and noises I made. Which then got spread around and I was called horrific names. I had to disappear entirely as I was driven to self harm and suicide. I was also raped by the same person and mentally abused and gas lighted. I escaped with my physical body in one piece but my mind fractured. I’ve slowly been able to put myself back together with time, a lot of self work and good men like the ones above. I had four relationships after that each one ended because of the baggage that I am still dealing with from that first relationship among other things. But each of those relationships taught me things and helped me heal a bit.
Now I am learning to embrace my sexuality and myself as a whole. To accept that certain things excite me and those things are fine and within my control. That desiring rough sex one day and passionate love making the next just keeps things interesting and doesn’t make me weird at all. As I have days where I desire to be conquered and made to feel owned. It excites me to be tied some days and at the mercy of my dom. Being pushed up against the wall quickens my heart in a good ways if it’s someone I trust doing it. I love being under a man I trust who knows exactly what he wants and has no problems taking it from me. I need someone who is willing to hold my hand tight and lead me without feeling bad when I panic a little because they’re pushing me out of my current comfort zone. As I don’t move beyond my comfort zone easily without coxing and sometimes a little pushing. Having reassurance is a big help. As I may seem like a strong one to take care of myself. When you strip away all of my armor and break down the walls I’ve built. I’m really a lost, scared little girl. My submission covers a wide range from baby girl to someone who enjoys receiving pain. I know that sounds strange but it’s who I am and no one has to try to meet everything as it’s not all required as mainly the one thing I desire the most is to be of service within limits of both myself and the one I’m serving