Loved?

Everyone says they love me, that I am loved. BUT i don’t feel like it. Infact i feel like I am hateded, lothed and unwanted. The only time I am wanted or some one pays me attention is when they want some think; 

Biological Mother – Wants me to fear her, bow to her, worship her. Needs me to make her live easier.

Biological Father – Wants me dead lol!

Adoptive Mother – To be truthfull she is the best in my life gives without a thought for her self and never takes. 

Adoptive Father – Only takes interest in me when some think is going to benefit him. 

My Youngest Sister – She jants wants me in her life to make her happy, I don’t get why I used to be such a cunt. 

Oldest Sister – Teh black sheep, we only chat from time to time. I think we are still trying to connect. 

My boyfriend – Drugs, money, ciggies, technology, sex and any think I can give even if its my last or I go without. 

I hate the word depressed, not just because it feels like more then depression, more then what the information or text books say. It’s like what I felt yesterday coming home from summer set. I had to pull over I could not breeth. it felt like some one had there hands around my neck. As the hold got titer and titer I felt like my soul, my essence was leaving my body. 

I got back from Summerset 12:30 am this morning. My mum has asked me to care for my special needs sister, I would give my life up for my sister but would I be the best choice for my sister. 

My head is fucked all I can think about is self harming and overdosing and all my boyfriend dose is sit there on his phone, that he has no one to talk to or on his games or watching videos. I hate it I look at him and just think to my self why am I with him. 

His on his phone more then he looks or touches me in a day. Ok bit OTT I am not saying he has to hold my hand or have a finger touching me allday. I am just suspisus of the fact is allways on his phone, naked in the bath, on the shiter, laying in bed out side. But yet his board, he has no one to talk to even though 40% of the time his on facebook messenger.

He says his not on this apps but I have no way to check, history is always gone by the time i am home. Why is it that most days he deletes his history and cleans the computer and phone before 4 PM. To me it crys out that his covering his tracks. This is why I feel so alone and the fact his always hiding what he dose, if its on the laptop, phone, going out, eating my snacks it just enhances my fears and makes me even more untrusting, unbleleaving of him. It upsets me that he keeps my mothers home cleaner then my own. IF he can do it for me to be able to keep seeing my sister and to keep coming with me why not at home behind closed doors. 

As for my mother, I felt like that little boy on the stairs trying to tell her I did not break her friends crystal but being emotionaly black mailed into taking the blame. Some things changes and other things will never. 

I keep looking at my boyfriend and a voice in my head screaming saying “get off the xbox, please just come and hold me” I even am fighting to keep my tears back. Any way I am going to go I am getting more stressed. 

Night night guys and girls. 

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