Cold Mountain Entry #2 Update

So the neighbors came over and managed to get the feeder into the pasture without loosing too much feed in the road.  I couldn’t help because LO woke up and I had to tend her.  After she went down for her next nap, I got the steer over to the pasture and picked up what I could of the feed that was left in the road.  The chickens will get the rest.  I was thankful.  So. very. thankful.  I look back at my entries and man, do  I sound angry.  I suppose I am.  i LIKE trusting people.  It makes me feel solid.  Right now I don’t feel solid.  I don’t feel solid because if my husband, former best friend, can do what he did/is doing to me and justify it, then who can I trust?  I mean, I TRUSTED him, with all of my being, and even defended his integrity when it “looked” bad, but oh no.  He was doing EXACTLY what it looked like.  Yes, I am still angry.  I don’t trust you.  But I put on a good face in front of you, but you have NO IDEA how much you have damaged me, and in turn, us.  And….I don’t want to rant and rave anymore.  It only makes me angrier right now.  Lets list 5 things I’m thankful for.  

1. That I didn’t lose all the feed today in the road. 

2. My meat chickens are on track for slaughter

3. I was able to eat later this afternoon without getting nauseated AND got down my water requirements so my milk supply doesn’t run out

4. I’m thankful for music.

5.  I’m thankful for neighbors who will help me.

6. I’m thankful I got to talk to you today….had to because of business stuff.  Caved and talked about personal stuff and that’s probably why I was able to eat later this evening.  As angry as I am, I find myself so. quick. to forgive him. It’s because no matter how much I hurt, I still love him.  

Perhaps this “not talking” business is like quitting smoking.  The first week is the hardest and then it gets better.  

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