In love with him..

When I was 16, I fell in love for the first and only time in my life. I am now 21. John was the love of my life. Blonde, curly hair, beautiful blue eyes, and sort of a bad boy presence because he is 4 years older than me. So when you do the math, I was 16 he was 20. He was my first, everything…. my love for him ran so deep…. he would build me up, just to tear me down. He knew my love for him and instead of giving it back, the whole year, he was constantly letting me go and then coming back because he knew he could. Eventually he quit talking to me all together. Two years later, I met this guy. I was still trying to feel johns void in my life… so I started spending time with Zach. After a few short months I became pregnant with Zach’s child. My beautiful daughter who I do not regret. I love her so much. Things between me and Zach really are just friendly. We don’t have sex, we are mean when we talk. It’s literally like living with your brother. We broke up for a couple months, and in this time I reconnected with john. I was the happiest I had ever been!! We had everything. He changed and we were perfect. Talked about trying for a baby and finding a house together…. we broke up, and shortly after I found out I was pregnant with johns baby. I had no where to live, my mom is a drug addict. Zach was there for me and allowed me to move back in to our house. Everyday he told me to get an abortion. Never was that a thought for me. I told john I was pregnant, he already had s new girlfriend. He said he would leave her and he loved me. But I knew he wouldn’t.. and he didn’t. So the whole pregnancy he never called to check on the baby. Zach took on the role as his dad. Was there when my son was born… and he has his last name. Now after 5 months, john and his girlfriend have broke up and he asks me to see my son. Zach said no never. Later on I messaged john myself and offered him to see him, and we had it all planned out, when he made fun of my sons name. Which pissed me off so I blocked him. I feel so bad. I’m so in love with john. And always will be. Is keeping my son away from his real dad selfish?? Or is letting him meet his real dad selfish?? I wouldn’t be with Zach if I had someone to watch my children while I work or if I had my own car or a job. I have no family…. I’m miserable in my life besides my kids they make everything worth it… I just don’t know.

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