Losing weight…

 Trigger warning: Abysmal self esteem and body image. Ironic that I hate myself, but don’t want anyone else getting upset and hurting themselves because of how much I hate myself.

Yesterday morning when I weighed myself I was down to 134 lb. The smallest I’ve been in a long time. I chalk it up to being depressed and unable to eat but I still find those decreasing numbers to be so, so satisfying. I just bought two new pairs of jeans and already, they’re starting to look a little baggy. My legs and thighs are actually starting to look thin. 

It’s fucked up but I’m keeping at it. ever since the 6th grade when they separated us girls from the boys and told us all about the changes our bodies would be going through, all I’ve heard was “love yourself!” I just can’t do it. I’ve tried. I have tried to embrace my natural form and look beyond what’s under the damnable fluorescent lights in the dressing room mirror. but truth be told and I know my logic is fucked up and pathetic, but the ones that I’m always attracted to are attracted to bodies that I don’t have. maybe when I’m thin, I’ll finally be loved and I won’t be thrown aside again for some rail-thin heroine chic tart. My self esteem sucks. I wish the numbers on the scale could be as low as my opinion of myself. 

I want to be 125. then 120. and maybe, 115.

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